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Awkwardness at a Sexy Party

September 3, 2011

My friend invited me to a sexy party. Not quite Stewie Griffin sexy, like above, but more of a sexy product party. She told me I could bring along anyone I wanted, as long as that person did not have a penis. So like any normal girl, I brought my mom.

My mother and I show up to the sexy party and find that there is another mother/daughter duo. Awesome! There is also an attractive, older Italian lady there, a friend of my friend’s mom. This lady does not speak English well, and may have been hard of hearing, I don’t know, but that did not make her any less interested in the products. She kept yelling “What?”, “Speak up, you.” and “Talk slowwwer.” So the poor demo girl kept having to start again. Here is how it would go:

“This is a duo action toy built for both you and your man’s enjoyment.”

“WHAT? SPEAK UP? WHAT IS IT?”

“Iiiiiit haaaaas aaa RIIIING for him to slip his PEEEENIS throoooooough.”

“Ah, okay. He put his thing though that thing.”

“Yes. Now this part swivels-.” she stops, looks at Italian lady and swivels it. “Do you understand ‘SWIVELS’? It can vibrate against your CLIT or his BALLS. Okay?”

“HIS WHAT?”

“HIS BAAAAALLS”

“Ah. Okay, I buy.”

And thus the party went. For our added amusement and discomfort, this woman was the first person to volunteer to model the bondage tape that only sticks to itself, not the skin or hair. She was also the first to run to the back room to place her “private” order.

Now, let’s talk about my mom. The demo girl did not have time or resources to show all of the items in the catalogues (there were three of them). My mother, being the curious sort, wanted to know the purpose of each of the items. Because I am an erotica writer, I could not convincingly deny that I know what most of the toys are, so I had to explain when she asked. Here is how that conversation would go:

“DC, what is this for?”

“I don’t know, Mom.”

“Yes, you do. Why is it shaped like a “U”?”

“(Sigh) It’s shaped like that so you can stimulate your G-Spot.”

“Oh. What about this one; why is this dildo made of glass? Isn’t that dangerous?”

“No Mom, it’s not fragile.”

“But what’s the point of glass, DC?”

“I don’t know Mom.”

“Yes, you do.”

“(Sigh) It is because the glass holds hot and cold temperatures well. You can heat it up or cool it down, based on your preference. It’s also easy to sterilize.”

“Oh, okay. I buy.”

“MOM! I don’t need to know what you’re going to buy!”

“What? It looks like a dolphin. It will look cute in my bathroom.”

“MOM! You can’t leave a dildo on your bathroom shelf!”

“Why not?”

“Um. Because it’s a dildo. And your fourteen year old son lives with you.”

“I know, it’ll be funny.”

“Jesus H. Christ.”

“Look, D.C. If I spend $60 on a glass object, it’s going on display somewhere…”

It’s hard to argue with that logic, yet I roll my eyes to the other side of the room. Where I see the older Italian lady holding a bottle of orange Creamsicle flavoured lotion in one hand and, with her other hand, is making the universal sign for giving a blow job.

Wow. Just wow.

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11 Comments leave one →
  1. September 3, 2011 3:21 pm

    OMG I love your mom… and I don’t even know her! This was choice , DC. Absolutely the best~

    • September 6, 2011 8:41 pm

      Thanks Christi! You are not alone; most people love my mom! She not only dances to the beat of her own drum, she hands out tambourines and maracas as she goes. I’m not sure what that means but I’m sure she does it.

  2. Ann Marie permalink
    September 3, 2011 5:33 pm

    hysterically funny…

  3. October 30, 2011 12:11 am

    Your mom is wonderful! And so is the Italian lady – how much do you want to bet that she could hear alright?

    • October 30, 2011 2:16 pm

      I have the feeling she could hear everything. She seemed the crafty sort.

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