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I Hate Writing Blurbs. And You Should Hate Me Writing Blurbs, Too

September 9, 2011

Good news and bad news, folks.

The good – no, wait – awesome news is that my short story The Rental will soon be published by MuseItHot Publishing as part of their Short ‘N Spicy line. I am very excited about this because I really like this story. And I am not just saying that because I wrote it. I’m saying that because The Rental features my favourite kind of sex; hot and steamy shower sex! Yay!

Gratuitous Shower Sex Image

Gratuitous Shower Sex Image

So what is the bad news? Well the bad news is that I have to write a blurb for The Rental. I hate writing blurbs. In my defence, I only hate doing it because I suck at it. But, like a trooper, I’m willing to give it the ole college try. Here goes…Ready? Okay, I’ll count to three…ONE, TWO, TWO and a HALF…okay fine (sigh). Here it is.

Nothing.

I know what you are thinking maybe another gratuitous shower sex image will help stimulate some creative activity.

Another Gratuitous Shower Sex Image

Another Gratuitous Shower Sex Image

Hey, I have an idea! Maybe I just need to look at this from another angle. I love writing flash fiction. Maybe I should look at the blurb as an informative, fun filled blast of flash fiction. Yeah, I could do that. 200 words or less, right? Okay here we go.

Karen steps into the apartment and immediately feels at home. The landlord, limp as a dishrag, shakes her hand while mumbling a forgettable introduction. Easily ignoring him, she strides from room to room, red stilettos click-clacking against the hard wood. With the flick of a switch, a pleasant glow spills into the master bath, illuminating the oversized granite shower and casting a more favourable light upon the landlord. Her eyes flash and pussy moistens as she floats toward the beckoning structure. Once inside, she turns to him. His burning gaze races across her wet flesh, leaving goose bumps in its wake. When, exactly, did cascades of water begin to flow? She dismisses her question as trivial as he moves toward her with the grace and intensity of a wild cat stalking its prey. Reaching for her, he tangles his fingers in her heavy, wet tresses and pulls her towards him. Losing her balance, Karen slams against his rock hard chest, her desire for the apartment all but forgotten. She now has more pressing needs to fulfill.

Well, I got that out of my system. But it does not exactly match the tone of the story, which is much more light-hearted and fun. So instead, I’ll just start from the beginning, and write what the book is about without any care for grace or style. I should excel at that, really. Okay, here we go.

So this take charge kind of woman named Karen meets this seemingly wimpy guy named Allan. She immediately detests him, his limp handshake and his impossibly garish belt buckle. But she loves his apartment and she really wants to rent it from him so she tries to be nice. Then she steps into the shower and accidentally turns on the billions of shower heads. Allan jumps in to save the day but, by that time, Karen is already picturing her and Allan wet and naked, writhing around on a shower bench while he skilfully sticks his tongue in the most deliciously naughty places. Using her best non verbal clues, Karen throws this out there and, luckily, Allan takes the bait. Even more luckily for Karen, who really wants a take charge kind of guy, Allan turns out to be quite the control freak in the sack. The two sexual deviants have a grand ole time until they both come like crazy and the story ends shortly after.

Ta-dah!!!

No?

Okay, I will try to, you know, make it good now. How about this?

Allan, a mild mannered and recently divorced landlord, does not exactly offer possible rentee Karen a great first impression. Upon experiencing his lacklustre greeting and weak handshake, Karen writes Allan off as a project she would not care to undertake. After Allan “rescues” her from a hi-tech, hypersensitive shower, however, Karen realizes that first impressions can be deceiving; perhaps there is a hot-blooded, delightfully deviant personality bubbling just below Allan’s tame surface, after all.

Screw it. That’s the one I’m going with, folks. Now if you will excuse me, I have a glass of red and two Advil calling for me.

One More Gratuitous Shower Sex Image

One More Gratuitous Shower Sex Image

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