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Everything’s Perfect. Well, Except That One Thing…

December 21, 2011

santa thumbs up

I am in charge of Christmas dinner, and I take this responsibility a little too seriously. In fact, I imagine the event as a mission akin to saving the planet. Lumpy potatoes might just mean a swift death for the world’s population. Gravy that holds a slight taste of raw flour? Complete garbage. It might as well have been made from an anthrax based roux. And no mushy land mines, aka soggy Brussels sprouts, will grace my guests’ plates. Ever.

Speaking of guests, I have a tonne of them. Any friend or friend of a friend of who does not have family in the city is invited to the condo for dinner. Perhaps this is why everything must be perfect. Over the last five years I have perfected the schedule and menu right down to the last popped cranberry. Well, there is that one exception. I mean, you can’t have complete control over ever mission, right? There is always that one little unknown, that rogue variable that has the potential to make even the most carefully laid plan go completely awry.

Every year I serve the following: Turkey, stuffing, two types of gravy (one is vegetarian), twice baked sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, orange glazed Brussels sprouts, spiced green beans, homemade cranberry sauce, biscuits with honey butter, pumpkin crème Brule, cake and lots and lots of wine. Of course, before Christmas dinner it is also required that I serve devilled eggs, baked brie and other cheeses, my famous layered taco dip and Christmas cookies. Holy shit, I make a lot of food for a lot of people.

By now I bet you are wondering about the little detail that has the potential to wreak havoc on my meal (and the entire planet). Okay, here it is. I have no clue what the turkey tastes like. Everyone tells me my turkey is good and I take them at their word because I don’t eat meat. This is the only time of the year that I cook meat, of course, and I do it because I refuse to allow my mother to bring a pre-stuffed, chemical filled Butterball of poison into my house.

So every year my boyfriend picks up an organic, free-run turkey from the (gross) butchers and brings it to me. I wash it, stick my hand up its ass to pull out all the yucky stuff, and then I salt, pepper, and butter the carcass before shoving it in the oven. Maybe the turkey sucks and people are just being kind, I don’t know. Perhaps every year, people shovel the bird in the mouth and wash it down with the non-vegetarian gravy whilst, unbeknownst to me, the world crashes down around us. I can only assume that the turkey is acceptable (and by acceptable, I mean perfect, dammit)  because no one else has offered to take over the responsibility of Christmas dinner. Of course, perhaps a dry bird is a small price to pay for free meal with little to no clean up duty. Who knows? Until I get definitive proof that something is amiss my healthy ego will assume that the bird, just like the rest of the meal, has once again saved Christmas on earth.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. December 21, 2011 12:23 pm

    I ALMOST had to cook xmas dinner. But then my mom talked to her b/f and he said he’d do it. I’m kinda happy, but now I won’t be able to have what I want. 😦

    • December 21, 2011 4:07 pm

      Just bring your fave side dish. Unless the cook is anal like me. Then it is best to just bring wine. And have a glass or two before you arrive.

  2. December 21, 2011 3:53 pm

    I have a friend who eats meat, but not turkey. So every year she cooks a chicken for the holidays. Personally, I love turkey. (Sorry.) I also love to cook these giant holiday meals so much that for several years, I hosted a “Thanksgiving in July” feast, and cooked an entire meal fit for drunken-overstuffed-holiday-bliss in July. It’s a blast. (Except that the air conditioning must be on high, since ovens and July don’t mix much.) I’m sure your free-range turkey is amazing. Save me some pumpkin brulee?

    • December 21, 2011 4:12 pm

      Ah, I have a friend who does that! She cooks the whole meal (except I bring the potatoes because she can’t cook them well for some reason ) on her boat and we eat at picnic tables. We even trim our sails with Christmas lights.

      One pumpkin creme brulee coming up!

  3. zencherry permalink
    December 21, 2011 8:07 pm

    I think I’m in love with Tante Marie. Turkey is good when it’s tender and smothered in something else. It is the cardboard of poultry. She’s right. 😉 Merry Merry! 😀

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