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Implying Suggestive. I Didn’t Do it Right.

March 28, 2012

I’m sure every author has been there.

I mean, this situation cannot be unique to me. I am simply not that special. πŸ˜‰

I recently posted the following excerpt for Six Sentence Sunday:

I reached out and touched one of her thin braids. She opened her eyes with a start, surprised to find me looking at her. Our faces were so close I could feel her cool, minty breath on my wet shoulder. Goose bumps surfaced across my flesh as the coolness of her breath contrasted against heat of the shower. She watched with parted lips as I twirled her braid around my finger.

β€œI have a present for you, Alexandria,” I said suggestively.

So I wrote this story last year some time. I read it about eleventy billion times, performing the necessary edits along the way. I submitted the story, The Rusty Nail, to a publisher and together we performed three more edits before publishing the story. I like the excerpt and I’m proud of it so I publish it on my blog.Β  It is only when I am reading the excerpt published on my blog that I think to myself, “Why the fuck did I tack the word suggestively on to that last sentence?

β€œI have a present for you, Alexandria,” I said suggestively.

Of course Holly said, “I have a present for you, Alexandria,” in a suggestive manner. The two women are in a fuggin’ shower in a woman’s locker room. One of them is naked and the other one wants to be. In that scenario, how could one woman tell another woman that she has a present for her in a non-suggestive manner.

Dammit.

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14 Comments leave one →
  1. March 28, 2012 10:22 am

    I’ve done the non-erotic version of this. For a long time, all my fantasy heroes gripped their weapons tightly (which, on an erotica blog, sounds oddly siggestive but isn’t…)

    Um… if you grip something, isn’t it by definition tight?

    • March 28, 2012 11:48 am

      No no, I go into a sword fight all the time with my weapon dangling from my pinkie finger. πŸ™‚

      • March 28, 2012 4:58 pm

        I like to hold mine away from me with my forefinger and thumb while holding my nose with my other hand. It distracts the enemy.

      • March 28, 2012 5:12 pm

        Distracting them is the only way I’m gonna win.

    • March 28, 2012 4:56 pm

      Lol! I’m glad I’m not the only one.

  2. March 28, 2012 11:47 am

    LMAO! I love when other people have face-palm moments because that proves that it’s not just me! I have to admit, though, I didn’t notice the superfluousness of “suggestively” until you pointed it out. It was fine. Unnecessary, but fine. :~)

    • March 28, 2012 4:57 pm

      I should have kept my mouth shut! πŸ˜‰

    • March 29, 2012 2:45 am

      I agree. It was superfluous, but didn’t notice it until you pointed it out, which means I’ve undoubtedly got more than a few of those in my own writing. Yikes! Adverbs are not my friends.

      • March 29, 2012 3:23 pm

        Not mine either. I am, however, a huge fan of the word superfluous. So I think the two cancel each other out.

  3. March 28, 2012 8:23 pm

    It’s the first thing I noticed, but that’s only because my crit partner drills adverbs out of my writing left and right. She’s a tyrant about it!

  4. March 29, 2012 2:42 pm

    How did I miss out on this? I have vampires who’s fangs engorge and elongate. If that’s not suggestive…hmmm…maybe they’re just hungry? And I so wanna see Lorca sword fight with her sword dangling from her pinky. That takes mad skills!

  5. April 1, 2012 11:39 am

    If only they did a re-release of our books and in between we could go back and edit some more.

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