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Stranger Danger is Nothing Compared to Spider Danger

March 31, 2012

I’m not afraid of much. I have travelled to foreign countries on my own. I have picked up snakes, swam in snapping turtle infested lakes and, just recently, eaten questionable food off an even more questionably clean plate. Luckily I did not die from any of these adventures, although I did leave a decidedly angry review on a travel website over the last activity.

I do, however, have a deep seeded fear of anything with eight legs. I am convinced that spiders were put on this earth to terrorize us humans for their evil amusement. Which is why my poor boyfriend has to enter our sailboat and smush any of the disgusting beasts before I will step foot in it. He has given up on the angry protests, the lectures that they do us a favour by eating all of the other bugs who dare enter our floating cottage, and the annoyingly condescending explanations they are not, in fact, plotting to ban together while I sleep and climb through my nostrils in the formation of ants carrying food to their hills

Of course, even after the boyfriend has purged the boat of spiders and webs, more of those crafty buggers will still find their way inside. When I am by myself, I use a little contraption that looks like a water gun but instead of shooting water when I pull the trigger, it sucks the little bastard through the nozzle and into a compartment that my boyfriend can empty later. Not me. Him.

Unfortunately, I sometimes wish I had a canon, instead of my little vacuum gun. Once such night, about 2am, I was happily working away on my laptop when my fingers froze over the keyboard. I could sense a spider in my midst. Slowly, carefully, I turned my head to the right. My eyes widened. Dangling about a foot away, at eye level was the ugliest, hairiest, most disgustingly large spider I think a person could find in Northern Ontario. I screeched like a banshee and jumped to my feet before landing on my ass. The table somehow managed to topple upwards as it folded in on itself, landed on my head and then bounced off to land on my one week-old laptop. Forgetting I had bones in my body, I suctioned myself against the opposite side of the boat and shimmied around the bench, sink, and stove top until I could crawl outside. I had to climb the ladder backwards so I could keep my eye on the dastardly spider, who I swear was moving closer towards me.

Once outside, I spotted a sailboat drifting into a marina. I briefly considered calling to it but even I realized a girl hopping around on a dock in skimpy pajamas, screaming about an attack spider at three in the morning might seem a little…odd. Instead I picked up a yogurt tub from my box of recyclables and bravely climbed back in the boat. I captured the spider under the tub and, leaving it there, retreated to the relative safety of the outdoors.

Luckily for me, the sailboat was much closer by now and obviously manoeuvring towards my dock. I grabbed a rope and helped the man tie off.

“Friendly marina!” He said. “I’ve never had someone help me tie off at two in the morning before. Would you like to come in for a drink?”

“I have a better idea. Would you like to come in to my boat to kill a spider? It’s under a yogurt tin beside my smashed laptop and collapsed table.”

“Um…okay?” he replied.

The guy crawled into my boat and, after a few moments, yelled that the yogurt tin was MOVING! I had to go in and help him find a piece of cardboard. He took a few moments to collect himself (in other words, man up), slipped the cardboard between the floor and the container and then removed the unwanted house guest from my boat. He carried the yogurt container into the woods and left it there, as he was too nervous to try to dump the spider out in the dark.

I did take him up on his offer for a drink; we both needed one at that point.

image credit: I dunno

The next day, my mother and my boyfriend overheard a guy at the marina bar telling the story of “a crazy chick in her underwear who invited him onto her boat to “kill a spider” at three in the morning.”

Yeah, they both knew the guy was talking about me.

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12 Comments leave one →
  1. March 31, 2012 9:18 am

    My mother was the same way, could kill anything but spiders, as a result I can kill spiders but large, man hearing Beatles are a totally different story. And we get them in my office all the time. 🙂

  2. March 31, 2012 12:29 pm

    LOL!!! Oh, this is sooooo me!!! I’m okay with killing the freckle size ones, and thankfully my oldest boy is now big enough he can handle them up to about quarter size (while I”m on the other side of the room ready with a quick exit, of course). After that … I’m screaming and looking for someone to come immediately while I can still see it. LOL…

    • March 31, 2012 8:28 pm

      My brother won’t go near them. Probably because I have shared my many conspiracy theories re. the hairy beasts.

  3. zencherry permalink
    March 31, 2012 1:19 pm

    D.C.! You may write erotica and do it with ice-melting panache, but my dear, you’ve missed your calling. You should write humor. I laughed my ass off!

    By the way. It’s not fair to mention a vacuum gun to trap spiders and not include a link since some of us…uh…suffer from the same affliction. 😉

    • March 31, 2012 8:30 pm

      Oh, you should definitely read some of my erotic humour then. The hard part is keeping you from laughing coffee out your nose when they’re right in the middle of a hot scene.

      • zencherry permalink
        March 31, 2012 10:06 pm

        Definitely going to check it out d.c. Been meaning to any way. 😀

  4. March 31, 2012 4:54 pm

    Bahahaha!

    • March 31, 2012 8:30 pm

      That is exactly the response I want when I share my pain and shame. Yay, I’m doing it right!

  5. Debbi permalink
    March 31, 2012 5:40 pm

    That’s Awesome! Great Story!!! Was it a Wolf Spider? …big and hairy like a tarantula-ish?

    Sorry to say, the average person eats 7 spiders in his/her lifetime…while sleeping. How they came up with the number, I have no idea. Seven spiders and a bushel of dirt. I don’t know if the dirt is annual or lifetime.

    • April 2, 2012 12:48 am

      I KNEW they were climbing into my nostrils while I slept!!! EEEEEK.

      No clue what kind of spider it was, except maybe it was a ninja spider.

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