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Why My Boyfriend’s Mom Thinks I’m a Perv

April 7, 2012

My boyfriend’s mother is the sweetest lady.

She’s Irish Catholic and, if you visited her house, you would know it as soon as you stepped inside. There are a lot of crosses and saints adorning her walls. She even has a few rosary beads hanging up like paintings.

Because of her religion, my boyfriend’s mom was not too impressed when the BF and I announced we would be moving in together without getting married first. This could not have been easy for her considering several of our friends chose this exact timeframe to announce their engagements. I swear that Mark must have attended at least four bachelor parties while we were waiting for our condo to be built, and I attended just as many boring wedding showers. The BF’s mom loves me, though, and him too, I suppose, so she got over our lack of engagement very fast. She even invited us to live in her home for a month while we were waiting to move into our condo. Sure, she was in Florida during that month so she would not be there to witness us living in sin under her roof but that does not diminish the generosity of her gesture.

The BF’s mom (or Mother in Law, as she now preferred to be called) came back from Florida just as we were moving into our condo. The timing could not have been more perfect. In fact, by the time she arrived, the only proof that we had been there were a few articles of clothing, some toiletries and other small items that had not yet made the move. My “mother in law” quickly went to work turning her son’s old room into a workout area. She packed the rest of our things into a box and replaced it with shiny new gym equipment.

At her request, we went to her house for Sunday dinner and to pick up the box of miscellaneous items. As the bf was carrying the box to the car, his mom pulled me aside and handed me a backpack I did not realize I left there.

“D.C.” she said in a very serious whisper, “I assume this belongs to you.”

“Oh hey, thanks! I was wondering where that was. Well, thanks for dinner. See you next Sunday.”

I joined my boyfriend in the car and, as we were pulling out of the driveway, I unzipped the backpack to see what was inside. I found: a box of tampons, an opened box of condoms, some maxi-pads and an unidentifiable item encased in plastic packaging. I pulled the object out the bag.

“What the hell is this? It looks like a…Is that a strap-on dildo?”

“Oh yeah,” says the boyfriend. “I won it at a Kevin’s bachelor party.”

“So you stuffed it in my backpack?”

“Where else was I going to put it?”

“Maybe in your own back pack?! Your mother went through this bag!” I look up to see her waving at us. I absently wave back. “I mean, she’s going to think this is mine.”

“Well maybe if you stop waving at her with it, she won’t think that.”

“Jesus Christ!” I stuffed the strap on dildo back in my backpack.

The strap on dildo remains there to this day, along with the tampons, pads and condoms.  Perhaps one day my own mother will find it and I can write about that cringe-worthy story as well.



25 Comments leave one →
  1. zencherry permalink
    April 7, 2012 11:52 am

    Ahahaaaa! I love this!

  2. Raiscara Avalon permalink
    April 7, 2012 7:12 pm

    That is just too funny. 🙂

  3. Ray Plasse permalink
    April 7, 2012 8:23 pm

    Great story!

  4. April 7, 2012 10:49 pm

    AHAHAHAHA. And I can say that because I had a similar experience. When I moved out of my MIL’s, I mistakenly left behind a skimpy article of underwear. Not the every day kind, if you get my drift… It pretty much looks like a couple of straps joined by a ring. My MIL found it and, not knowing what it was, walked into my house on Christmas Day holding it out for all my assembled family to see saying ‘I think this is yours…’ Needless to say I put it away fast, but that was more so I didn’t burst out laughing than anything else. Hubby, too, had to swallow his mirth. I’m sure my MIL still doesn’t know what she was waving around in public!

    • April 8, 2012 1:56 am

      Oh LOL!!!

      Yes, she also returned a leopard print, see-through, lace up thing to me as well – letting me know she washed it first, just in case I hadn’t. What?

      I thought I would save that story for another day.

  5. Tina B permalink
    April 8, 2012 12:03 am

    I know that must have been mortifying, but I was laughing sooooo hard!!! Sorry, but it was a very funny story! 😀

  6. April 8, 2012 1:08 am

    OMG DC that’s hilarious! My mother-in-law hates me for being a vulgar Yankee…I have absolutely no fucking idea why she thinks that.

  7. April 8, 2012 1:32 am

    I want to go buy a strap-on, just so I can wave at people with it. Only because the one I already own is too scary for public. Great post!

    • April 8, 2012 1:59 am

      Yeah, I’ve gone through my entire stash and I can’t find one that I would fee comfortable waving around.

  8. April 8, 2012 3:27 am

    Great post D.C. I laughed so hard at the point where I read your BF’s comment back to you, that I almost couldn’t finish reading the post. I wanted to give you a “like” but WordPress only lets other WordPress authors leave “likes.” So, I’m leaving a comment instead.

  9. tonyberkman permalink
    April 8, 2012 6:25 am

    Very funny!

  10. April 8, 2012 5:18 pm

    Love it! I would’ve made his mom tell the truth

    • April 9, 2012 5:45 pm

      For the sake our relationship, I decided to just let this one go. It is one of many, actually. Hmm.

  11. April 9, 2012 5:29 pm

    This is too funny! The BF’s comment back to you almost made me do a coffee spit-take (and coffee abuse is a cardinal sin in my house).

    Great post!

    • April 9, 2012 5:46 pm

      The only thing worse than spitting coffee is spitting wine. Although both are okay for a good cause such as this.

  12. TLJeffcoat permalink
    May 16, 2012 9:10 pm

    Like a scene out of a romantic comedy. I love it.


  1. My Sex Toy Has Gone Rogue « D.C. McMillen
  2. It’s Probably Better If She Doesn’t Know… | D.C. McMillen

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