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Doing It Wrong. Don’t Care. A to Z Challenge Condensed

April 11, 2012

I see that a lot of bloggers are participating in this A-Z challenge thing, posting a topic inspired by a letter of the alphabet every day on their blog, starting with the letter A and ending with the letter Z. First, I would like to say, “Kudos” to these authors. They have a work ethic and sticktoitivness (it’s a real word, look it up) that I completely lack.

Just because I lack the necessary skills (I’m not sure which skills, exactly, but it’s probably the mental ones) to participate in this challenge doesn’t mean I don’t want to, well, participate. So here it is folks, the A to Z challenge condensed into a single day just for you!

A is for Assholes. There are a lot of them out there. Cutting me off in traffic, waiting until they get to the front of the line before deciding which latte to order (hint: it’s the same one you ordered yesterday and the day before that. I’m in a hurry, asshole. Today is not the day to change your life with a new latte.)

B is for Bitchy. This is what I become when I have to deal with an overload of assholes. For example, I was in a very crowded stadium this weekend. Like a million other people, I had to pass through a concession line to get to the seating. I did not even touch the girl I walked past and she yells, “Um. Try exCUSE me?” Naturally, I had to yell back, “Um. Try fuck off?” Unfortunately, I can’t skip to F.

C is for Candy. I got lots. In fact, I am pretty sure that my family is teaming up to make me fat. Here is the basket my boyfriend gave me for Easter:

Too Much Candy in My Easter Basket

In addition, my mom gave me a ginormous Kinder Egg and my boyfriend’s mom gave me a bunny full of Ferrero Rochers.

D is for Douche bag. Who is the douche bag about ten floors up in the condo kiddie corner to mine? Nobody who lives over a six lane highway should hang their clothes on the balcony. Besides, it’s against condo regulations, douche bag.

E is for eggs. I made em for Easter, devil style. Here is what they look like:

Easter Deviled Eggs

Easter Deviled Eggs

F is for fans. I need them. My newest release, The Rusty Nail has not yet received one fucking review. This, of course, brings me back to my original F word. Oh, there is also the F word Febreeze but that’s another post in itself.

G is for Gratuitous. Tack the word gratuitous on anything and I am pretty much for it. Gratuitous sex? Hell yes. Gratuitous foreplay? Absolutely. Gratuitous violence? Why not? Gratuitous…cartoons, beaches, Italian food? Whatever.

H is for Hot Cross Buns. I made them for Easter, too. Except I replaced the nasty golden raisins with dried cherries. Here’s a picture to prove I have mad culinary skills.

Hot Cross Buns

I is for Icky. My boyfriend’s 86 year old nana likes to tell me dirty jokes. Just me, folks. She whispers them to me at the dinner table so no one else can hear. If I laugh and other people ask me what’s the joke, she bats her eyelashes and pretends she never said a word.  Somehow, dirty jokes just seem ickier when they come from a proper looking 86 year old.

J is for jokes. Here is the last joke the BF’s nana told me:

A father dog takes his son on a walk to teach him the ways of the world. On the way, the old dog stops, sniffs and lifts his leg on seemingly random objects. When the two dogs arrive back home, the little dog asks his dad, “Why did you sniff so many things and then lift your leg?” “Well son,” Answers the big dog, “We’re dogs. We have simple needs and basic instincts. In other words, if you can’t eat it or screw it, piss on it.”

K is for Krispy Kremes. They’ve come to Canada and they’re gross.

L is for Lust. My books have lots of that. Read one and then write a review. (See F is for Fan)

M is for Ménage. Thinking of threesomes brings me to N.

N is for Naughti-Lust. The rights to this series have reverted back to me but I have yet to get off my ass and self-publish. I need to get on that.

O is for Orgasm. See M and N.

P is for Penis. More specifically, chocolate penises. Who won’t get on board with chocolate do dongs? @EricaLuckeDean, I’m talking to you girl.

Q is for Quirky Characters. It is sort of my signature. All of my characters, especially the heroines seem to have a heaping dose of quirky. I don’t think I do this on purpose; I just can’t seem to help myself. From unnatural fetishes for cowboy hats to a reluctance to give up the precious Mr. Hitachi in exchange for the real thing to a determination to keep a mini vibrator in one’s purse at all times, my female leads just can’t help but be off the wall.

S is for Stilettos. I love wearing them! I mean, sure they kill my feet and I have to carry around a pair of ballet slippers (their gold!) so I can do a quick change when the pain becomes excruciating and unbearable but I can’t seem to give them up. I would even go so far as to say they are my beauty secret. Need to meet some friends and no time to change out of your jeans and t-shirt? Slip on pair of stilettos, swipe some mascara across your eyelashes and smear on some red lipstick (I’m crazy for coral shades right now) and you’re good to go!

T is for Time Warp Tuesday. On a fairly regular basis, I like to post blasts from the past on the e-rotica blog. Sometimes I share images of shit around my grandma’s or bf’s nana’s house. Sometimes I post awesome 80’s stuff. I think I may cancel this weekly segment, however, as soon as I come up with something more creative to post. I’m not saying I am not going to share my weird obsession for yesteryear; I am just planning to stop doing almost every Tuesday.

U is for Ugly. I understand that heroes and heroines are beautiful for a reason. That said, I would like to write an erotica piece about two ugly people. I think it would be challenging and, if I did it right, a very fun story. I am going to put that on my To Do list.

V is for Vagina. You know what pisses me off? People find euphemisms for the vagina to be more offensive than euphemisms for the penis.  Where does this stem from? Whatever the answer, I don’t like it.

W is for Warped Writer. ‘Nuff said.

X is for X Rated. For someone who rarely rants, this is another one. This blog is not X rated. In fact, only a handful of posts could even be slapped with an R rating. Yet many people refuse to tweet my blog because of a pair of legs and panties on header. That’s totally fine by me; people can tweet whatever they like. The issue is I have seen the same people tweet posts a lot more suggestive than mine. What’s up with that?

Y is for Young & the Restless. This is an embarrassing secret but since you’ve made it all the way to the second last letter of the alphabet, I feel like I can share with you. In the past five years I have been working from home. In that time, I have become addicted to this soap. It happened one day when I was flipping through the channels and I landed on Y&R. I was shocked to find most of the same characters played by the same actors as when my grandma watched it when I was just a little girl. I was like, oh my god, its Nicki and Jack and Victor. And Victor is getting back together with Nicki! Holy shit, is that Catherine Chancellor? My god, this is fascinating. And now I’m hooked. I watch it at least twice a week.

Z is for Zombie Sex. Yeah, okay. I’ve pretty much got nothing as far as the zombie sex combination is concerned but it sounded like such a cool title. Sorry about that. I did do a Google image search on the subject to make it up to you and I found this pretty cool, very salacious cover art:

zombies and sex tie in

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17 Comments leave one →
  1. April 11, 2012 10:19 am

    I can see you liked the candy so much you had to go back and revisit E a second time with eating!

    We have Krispy Kremes here in Australia, too, and we don’t like them. They went bust.

    Love my stilettos. can’t keep up with the toddler with them but fortunately I have a job where I can indulge my shoe fetish. Stop thinking naughty thoghts! You know I’m a lawyer 😉

    V – I think this one is because euphemisms for vagina are used as an insult. So are euphemisms for penis, but not in the same way. I have yet to hear a euphemism for vagina that would turn me on, but use the word cock while talking dirty to your man and he’s good to go. Euphemisms for vagina all sound ugly rather than hot. We need to think up a new one!

    • April 11, 2012 3:30 pm

      Oh shit. K, I deleted one E. That’s what I get for writing a post at two in the morning after a heaping glass of wine or two.

  2. April 11, 2012 12:22 pm

    Now that is an A to Z I actually read! Thank you for condensing it to one post, instead of 26. Much better.

  3. April 11, 2012 3:22 pm

    This was fun. Now if I can just figure out how to tweet you…

  4. April 11, 2012 4:23 pm

    I love your blog, panties and all! This post is hilarious, and I am extremely jealous that I did not think to do this! Brilliance!!!

    • April 11, 2012 4:45 pm

      Thanks Angel! You’re awesome. And why not do a condensed A-Z, if you want? I’m all for it.

  5. April 11, 2012 7:30 pm

    Z is for Zombie sex, lol. Your blog is a hoot!

  6. April 11, 2012 8:23 pm

    Ciara’s Z word is way better but I don’t want to spoil it, just in case she’s going to write about it.

  7. jocelynrish permalink
    April 11, 2012 9:35 pm

    What a great idea to do it all in one post! Those of us doing it the traditional way are only at ‘J’ and I have to say I’m kind of burned out. But I hate to quit now, so I guess I’ll forge ahead.

    I love that the whites of your deviled eggs have the dye that bled through – it’s the only time of year I eat boiled eggs because they’re so gosh darn pretty (normally I find egg whites repulsive).

    • April 11, 2012 9:51 pm

      I rolled the eggs to crack the shell before putting them in the dye. Next year, I think I’ll just peel and dye. Thanks for stopping by, Jocelyn!

  8. May 29, 2012 9:03 pm

    This is intended to be kind, not bitchy: “about ten floors up in the condo kiddie corner to mine?” It’s kitty-corner> cater-cornered, dialect,> French, quatre. Kiddie doesn’t make sense, does it? When a colloquialism doesn’t seem to make sense, look it up–It saves getting boring comments like this one. Also (!): sticktoitiveness (you left out the e)

    • May 29, 2012 10:16 pm

      I am pretty sure it is kiddie corner, as in that is as farthest street corner away from me that I can place the kiddies while still keeping an eye on the little bastards.

  9. May 29, 2012 9:06 pm

    Even I make mistakes: stick-to-it-iveness

    • May 29, 2012 10:13 pm

      I will give you kiddie corner but sticktoitiveness is not only in the dictionary, it is also my new favourite word.

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  1. Wait. This Isn’t a Offensive Question Contest? | D.C. McMillen

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