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My Dog is a Not a Lesbian

April 20, 2012

This is my dog.


Seems harmless, doesn’t she? Well she is. Usually. Every once in a while, however, her “butch” side takes over. See, she get’s excited pretty easily. Usually her pent up energy and frustrations are taken out on her chew toys (she has destroyed every toy she’s come in contact with, including Kongs and other toys described as “indestructible”). She will play fetch until she passes out, as my brother found out the hard way when he was babysitting her one day. He has discovered other things about her the hard way, as well. For example, she loves to hump his face.

She also humps dogs at the off-leash park. So much so that I have had to explain, on more than one occasion, that, yes, she is fixed and no she is not a boy dog. This is the point when some people ask if my dog’s a lesbian. No my dog is not a lesbian, she is a gay male trapped in a female’s body. Duh.

How do I know this, you ask?

Well, first off, she only humps males. Yes, okay. I understand that jumping other dogs and my brother’s face is a sign of dominance, not that she wishes she were a boy.Β  So where is the proof then, you ask? Okay, okay, I’m getting to it.

See, she hates peeing like a girl. I have watched her shimmy her back legs up tree trunks after she finally admitted to her puppy self that lifting her leg only results in pee flowing down her other leg. Unfortunately shimmying up tree trunks does not always have the desired outcome either. I have watched her topple ass backwards on more than one occasion. I think she is the only dog on earth to get her own pee on her own face. Sigh.

Also, and I have seen this, if she sees a boy dog pee, she has to pee in that exact spot. She once had a long lasting piss off with another dog, where they both took turns angrily peeing on the same patch of grass over and over until the other dog’s owner had to leave or he’d be late for work. She and I both counted it as win.

So, like any good mommy, I support her sexual identification and preferences in every way I know how. I purchase big spiked collars, which I am positive she prefers. I tie a rainbow flag to her and bring her to the gay pride parade every year so she can know she’s not alone. I let her try to find new and interesting ways to pee on stuff, even when she has already peed twelve times in a fifteen minute span and I know she has absolutely no liquid left in her.

If anyone can think of any other ways to be a supportive of my straight, transgender dog, I am all ears.


Thanks Erica, for blogging about your dog’s failed attempt to hump you, effectually inspiring today’s post.

29 Comments leave one →
  1. April 20, 2012 8:49 am

    Humping and marking (peeing over another dog) are signs of dominance, not sexuality. Some of this can be affected by sterilizing too early, and other times it’s just a matter of the individual dog. Which is why living around canines make our own lives so much richer.

    • April 20, 2012 3:48 pm

      Yes, I realize all of this but I just happen to think this individual dog thinks she’s a boy. πŸ™‚

  2. April 20, 2012 11:26 am

    LOL I couldn’t stop laughing at this – I’m so glad you support her choice! xxx

    • April 20, 2012 3:59 pm

      This is one of the many reasons I don’t have kids. Looking back on photos, I’d be like, “that’s the year he spent wearing dresses…oh and that’s the year he chose to go bald…that oh, that was an interesting phase. He decided to be a bird that summer and would only eat food shaped like worms.”

      Yeah, parenting is probably not for me.

  3. April 20, 2012 11:50 am

    I agree with Mona – canines do make our lives much richer. BUT, this post simply made me laugh out loud. Entertaining and well written…like I was right beside you watching your dog (what’s her name?)…and, she looks lovely in pink.

  4. April 20, 2012 12:04 pm

    The title of this post attracted my attention. I wasn’t sure what the heck I was going to find. Okay, read, laughed, snorted coffee out my nose. Thank you for that. πŸ˜‰ Nice way to start the day… I think.

    • April 20, 2012 5:46 pm

      Thanks for stopping by Kayelle! I think snorting coffee out your nose is a sign that it will be a wonderful day!

  5. April 20, 2012 12:18 pm

    Have you ever noticed that the people that you expect would know the most about dog behaviour are the ones that actually seem to know the least? Dog park visitors always seem clueless about it. I drove myself insane one day trying to explain dominance to the crowd at the local dog park…it was my first and last visit! Love this post:) You totally made my morning!

    • April 20, 2012 4:05 pm

      Yes, some dog owners are ridiculous. I recall one dog who tried to rip Stella’s face off, and her owner just said, “No no, Buttons, that’s not powite, now is is, wis it?” Naturally, I told her she was insane and should be wocked up.

  6. April 20, 2012 3:46 pm

    Jenn, I avoid dog parks. So many people who think dogs are four legged people, and don’t give them credit for the wonderful friends they can be as DOGS

    • April 20, 2012 4:27 pm

      Yes, some people do treat their dog’s like kids and don’t properly train them, in effect spoiling their personalities. Others simply enjoy how fun and comical these little creatures can be, and like to tell amusing anecdotes about their experiences with their pets.

      I love taking Stella to dog parks even though I wish I could avoid half of the owners. I live in a city and my dog would probably go crazy without her Sunday off leash time.

  7. April 20, 2012 4:45 pm

    Loved. This. Post. So happy to hear that you’re supporting your doggie’s lifestyle choices. The picture with the rainbow flag is epic!! πŸ™‚ I’m sure there are flannel bandannas out there…

  8. April 20, 2012 6:04 pm

    Your dog is so adorable.

  9. April 20, 2012 6:49 pm

    The title was so strange I just had to click on this.

    Hmm…I wonder if anybody wrote a paper on canine sexuality and gender identity…

    • April 20, 2012 7:02 pm

      Maybe I should write one. Of course there would be no scientific basis in my research and my conclusion would simply be that my dog is fucking adorable. Perhaps I should leave it to the experts…

  10. April 21, 2012 2:58 am

    OMG…I laughed so hard reading this I almost peed! At least I can say, my two year old humpy Mastiff is still intact (i.e. loaded for bear) and therefore fully expected to attempt to hump things. (Although, I would like to be taken off the preferred list). I also have another dog (neutered) that has a terrible habit of peeing on his own front foot when he attempts to lift his leg. And he likes to hump other boy dogs…and boys for that matter. Maybe we should set the two of them up? Could be funny πŸ™‚ I’m so glad I inspired you. I hear humping does that to people. πŸ™‚

    • April 22, 2012 6:31 pm

      My mom’s dog poops on his leg all the time. His name is Sherlock, which brings the phrase, “No shit, Sherlock” to a whole nuther level!

  11. April 21, 2012 4:02 am

    Hilarious! Maybe we’ll see Stella in the next Gay Pride parade in your area?!!

  12. Ray Plasse permalink
    April 21, 2012 6:50 am

    I know this is a little off track but Why do people always seem to snort coffee and or wine up thier noses when they read blogs? (just sayin)

  13. ginawb permalink
    April 22, 2012 8:49 am

    Hilarious post, thank you!

    Our dog was neutered as soon as the vet allowed because of humping issues (humping our elderly neighbour was the last straw). It stopped him humping humans and other dogs but he still has a go at his bed once a day. The most interesting side effect is that he still pees like a girl. He stares jealously at the other boy dogs as they pee but can’t seem to work out how to do it himself. All he can achieve is shimmying up as-close-as-possible to the tree. Not a transgender problem but still frustrating for the little man.

    Your dog is adorable, LOVE the photos! thanks for sharing, Gina

    • April 22, 2012 6:32 pm

      Aww, maybe our dogs could get together so she could teach him a few tricks. πŸ˜€

  14. April 22, 2012 2:36 pm

    this was the most hysterical post i’ve read in a long time. great title., too. i admit i was a little prepared to come to your dog’s aid and defend her right to BE a lesbian – what a bizarre argument to start with – so glad it wasn’t even necessary.

    • April 22, 2012 6:39 pm

      ROFLMAO. That is the first time I Have ever typed ROFLMAO but your comment necessitated it. I made a whole scenario in my head in which two people are arguing over a dog’s right to be a lesbian. Then I pictured a dog standing aloof and bored in a corner, wearing Lisa M’s (commented above) flannel bandanna around her neck while the two nut ball’s lost it over the issue of gay doggie marriage.

      • April 23, 2012 12:20 am

        ha! that’s what i love about dogs. they are just who they are without all the heated discussions and parades; it’s just not necessary. we humans could learn something from them. honestly how they put up with us and all of our neuroses i haven’t the faintest.

  15. April 26, 2012 2:09 am

    I’m so proud of you and how supportive you are being of her life choices – don’t forget they do sell doggie combat boots and remember when she doesn’t manage to pee without falling to give her a high paw for it.

    I would also suggest one of those spiked body harnesses they make for attaching the leash to (collar alternative) it really gets the point across.

    Hugs to you and puppy too


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