My Dog is a Not a Lesbian
This is my dog.
Seems harmless, doesn’t she? Well she is. Usually. Every once in a while, however, her “butch” side takes over. See, she get’s excited pretty easily. Usually her pent up energy and frustrations are taken out on her chew toys (she has destroyed every toy she’s come in contact with, including Kongs and other toys described as “indestructible”). She will play fetch until she passes out, as my brother found out the hard way when he was babysitting her one day. He has discovered other things about her the hard way, as well. For example, she loves to hump his face.
She also humps dogs at the off-leash park. So much so that I have had to explain, on more than one occasion, that, yes, she is fixed and no she is not a boy dog. This is the point when some people ask if my dog’s a lesbian. No my dog is not a lesbian, she is a gay male trapped in a female’s body. Duh.
How do I know this, you ask?
Well, first off, she only humps males. Yes, okay. I understand that jumping other dogs and my brother’s face is a sign of dominance, not that she wishes she were a boy. So where is the proof then, you ask? Okay, okay, I’m getting to it.
See, she hates peeing like a girl. I have watched her shimmy her back legs up tree trunks after she finally admitted to her puppy self that lifting her leg only results in pee flowing down her other leg. Unfortunately shimmying up tree trunks does not always have the desired outcome either. I have watched her topple ass backwards on more than one occasion. I think she is the only dog on earth to get her own pee on her own face. Sigh.
Also, and I have seen this, if she sees a boy dog pee, she has to pee in that exact spot. She once had a long lasting piss off with another dog, where they both took turns angrily peeing on the same patch of grass over and over until the other dog’s owner had to leave or he’d be late for work. She and I both counted it as win.
So, like any good mommy, I support her sexual identification and preferences in every way I know how. I purchase big spiked collars, which I am positive she prefers. I tie a rainbow flag to her and bring her to the gay pride parade every year so she can know she’s not alone. I let her try to find new and interesting ways to pee on stuff, even when she has already peed twelve times in a fifteen minute span and I know she has absolutely no liquid left in her.
If anyone can think of any other ways to be a supportive of my straight, transgender dog, I am all ears.
Thanks Erica, for blogging about your dog’s failed attempt to hump you, effectually inspiring today’s post.