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Accidental Porn Puts the Fun in Funeral

May 15, 2012

For those of you who aren’t aware, I attended a funeral this weekend. Sort of. It wasn’t actually a funeral despite the fact that someone did die. It was a member of my boyfriend’s family so he donned his best suit (shit, he looks hawt in a suit. He should really get an office job.) I wore a black dress, expensive jewellery, a silk scarf that faded from a coffee cream colour to a muted pink to chocolate brown, and a pair of leopard print stilettos with solid black heels. It was appropriate attire for a wedding, or so we both thought. Other people, however, thought jean shorts, a golf shirt and New Balance running shoes were more appropriate. Turns out, they were more correct than we were.

After standing around in a mausoleum for an hour with no clue as to where to go, we were directed to the third floor of the building. Once there, we crowded into a small hallway, where we watched two man wearing burgundy sweatshirts step onto a scissor lift, place an urn on a shelf and then cover it with a marble slab that had all the pertinent particulars of the deceased glued on it.  With that task dispensed, the son of the deceased thanked us for coming and suggested we go to his aunt’s house for refreshments. Despite the fact that he only spoke two sentences, his eyes were watery, which made me well up. A couple of tears slipped down my cheek and I blinked them away while glancing around the room. I noticed I was the only sap who teared up, despite the fact that I was also the only one in the room who had not actually met the deceased. How embarrassing. I quickly decided to blame my emotional state on my feet. Standing for a solid hour and a half in stilettos can make anyone let loose a few tears.

We arrived first to the reception. Quite literally, we were first. No one was home. So we left and went shopping. I bought two of the cutest ankle length sundresses, one in teal blue and one in hot pink. I also picked up a pair of Pumas. My bf found a new leather belt with dark metal buckle that went better with his suit than the silver buckle he was already wearing. He switched it out and we went back to the reception. We were the last to arrive. His mom did not approve.

I overheard his mom asking where we went. He told her he had to find a restroom. He is a smartypants, that one. Later she asked me the same question.

“Oh, to find a washroom,” I answered, not making eye contact (I’m a terrible liar).

“I see. Too bad the door was locked or you could have used this one.”

“Yes, well…”

“That’s a nice belt my son is wearing. It looks different than it did at the funeral.”

“Does it? I didn’t notice…” How the hell did she see that? Wasn’t his jacket buttoned at the mausoleum?

“Would you like to see my mom’s new T.V in the basement? We’ve done some work; the basement looks a lot different.

“Yes, I would like nothing more…” than to change the focus of this conversation.

I flagged down the bf and we went downstairs with his mom, dad and nana.

Once we were comfortably seated, the bf’s dad turned on the 50″ LED. An interracial couple in the midst of hard core sex popped onto the screen. And when I say hard core I mean, that blonde was riding the biggest, blackest cock I had ever seen, as if she was poisoned and only had twelve seconds to pump the antidote out of him.

“Are those monkeys?” asked the bf’s nana. “Is this the nature channel?”

“That doesn’t look  quite natural,” I said.

I glanced at my bf. His head was cocked to the side, in an effort to view the scene from an angle that made more sense. I looked to the left to see the bf’s mom laughing so hard that no sounds were coming out. Moving on to the BF’s dad, he was scrambling around on his hands and knees to find the remote he had dropped when the couple first appeared on screen. He found it, finally, and after pressing buttons wildly, managed to switch off the T.V..

“You certainly get a lot of channels,” he stammered.

“Is hard alcohol being served at this party?” I asked. Truthfully, I had wondered this for a while but now seemed like the opportune time to ask.

The BF’s mom shook her head, still silently laughing. Tears streamed down her face. “Two monkeys,” she finally gasped. “I thought one of them was going to split in two!”

“I’ll see if I can find you some gin, D.C.,” the bf’s nana offered helpfully. “Such a sweet girl. So choked up over my sister’s death.”

“Choked up!” the bf’s mother cried, holding her sides.”She wouldn’t be the only one!”

We did not find any gin. We also did not find the channel again, despite the fact that the bf’s uncles spent the better part of an hour looking.

“Why do the gay men so badly want to see straight people have sex?” The bf’s mom leaned in to ask me quite seriously. 

Because you mentioned the man’s penis was the size of a child’s arm?

Instead of saying what I was thinking, I answered, “Um. People do strange strings at funerals.”

~~~

So that was my weekend. How was yours?

monkey porn

15 Comments leave one →
  1. May 15, 2012 10:27 am

    Dammit! How come there is never enough porn or alcohol at funerals? That will be stipulated in my will. There will be margaritas at my funeral, and male strippers will be the pall bearers. Everyone welcome!

    • May 15, 2012 12:29 pm

      Here here! My family always serves alcohol at funerals. We get fall down drunk and yet some how manage to dance and sing the night away. On occasion, one of my aunts strips off her shirt but that is pretty rare.

  2. May 15, 2012 3:18 pm

    Damn, and I thought my family was screwed up, LOL. At least our guys wear long jeans, boots and button down shirts to funerals. Of course, the knees and seat are often ripped out of the jeans, the boots covered with cow shit, and the sleeves and sides ripped out of the shirts. And there’s always a bottle making the rounds out back.

    But, no porn. Definitely not. Gramma would rip the ears off anyone who even had a Hustler hidden behind the woodpile.

    • May 15, 2012 3:30 pm

      Honestly, people were dressed in all different types of attire. Besides my bf, two other men wore ties. I was the only one in a dress. Some women, like my bf’s mom and nana wore nice clothing. Others, not so much.

      I’ve been to several types of funerals – Wiccan, Jehovah’s Witness, a pet’s funeral, etc. – but this was my first with accidental pornography.

  3. May 15, 2012 3:49 pm

    what a hoot, thanks for the big chuckle

  4. May 15, 2012 4:20 pm

    Best Funeral EVER! And congrats on the sundresses.

  5. May 15, 2012 7:01 pm

    That had to have lightened the mood…OMG…to be a fly on the wall.

    • May 15, 2012 7:15 pm

      Yup. I thought for sure I would have something funny to write about after the mother’s day brunch I hosted on Sunday. Turns out, that went too smoothly but Saturday’s funeral was entertaining. Oh my.

  6. May 15, 2012 8:08 pm

    Well, that’s a day that will stay with you! Thanks for the chuckle. I needed it today.

    • May 16, 2012 1:52 pm

      lol! I think the bf’s mom will be talking about this one for a very long time!

  7. May 16, 2012 8:16 am

    LOL this is hilarious!! I remember when I was at my Nan’s and she kept asking what the weird sounds were coming out of her computer… It took me half an hour to get rid of the virus that had a naked blonde pop up every 10 minutes with a dildo in her ass! xxxx

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