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Dog Theft and My Mom’s Other Fun Hobbies

May 18, 2012

My mother has developed some rather odd habits/hobbies of late. Yes, I realize she has always carried around some odd habits, like drinking pickle juice to “cure” her stomach aches, eating Cheez Whiz and applesauce sandwiches, and laughing loudly while other people are crying. Hell, she even roller bladed along the boardwalk while 9 months pregnant (yes, the baby did come the next day so I guess she was right about that one). So, as any of you who have read some of my past blog entries already know, my mom’s a bit of a nut. Lately, though, she’s being especially odd.

To begin, she keeps stealing my dog. After the third or fourth time, I insisted she get her own dog, which she did. Unfortunately that only made things worse. She claims her dog, Sherlock, needs company. Her dog is big goofball that shits on his own leg so, while she may have a point, I believe he is a bad influence. Regardless of my concerns, my mom has become rather stealth in figuring out when I will be out of home and then she swoops in, steals my dog and does horrible things with it. Like take her to the beach, where she is encouraged to roll around in mud and sand, She then returns her home as if I won’t know about their little liaison. I open the door to my tiny condo only to be slapped in the face with the stench of wet dog and dirt. Stella, curled up on my once clean sofa, looks pleased a punch while I call my mom and ream her out.

If she does not get Stella thoroughly ensconced in sand and mud then she usually doesn’t bring her back home. Instead she either takes her shopping and buys her pink sweaters (how many pink sweaters does a dog need?) or brings her to her house, where she loads my dog up with treats that smell like week old bacon and forces her to watch horror movies because my mom does not like to watch them by herself. Apparently her dog is too big and full of energy to sit on her lap and be hand fed popcorn for an hour and a half. The record length of time my mom has kept my dog is four days.

Stealing my dog is not the only odd habit that mother has developed, although this next one is not exactly something to be discouraged. She has started to buy me jewellery. In the last two weeks my mother has dropped off five necklaces, four pairs of earrings, two bracelets, one silk scarf and one fantabulous ring. I cannot tell you how much jewellery she has gifted me over the past six months but I can say that my jewellery collection no longer fits in my four foot tall jewellery cabinet. Perhaps she is feeling guilt over stealing my dog? I don’t know but my boyfriend is unhappy. Jewellery was always his go to gift but now he has to fall back on purses. And the poor guy hates how many purses I already own. In fact, two years ago he built a unit around our bed with with special shelves for my purses and shoes. I thought he was being sweet but apparently he just did it so I would have a cap on how many shoes and purses I could own. Out of shelf space? No more purse and shoes purchases. I know, I know. A jerky move, right? Except now he has had to break his own rule, thanks to my mom’s awesome gifts.

But back to my mom. She has started buying scratch tickets. Only, she hates scratching them. So whenever the boyfriend and I visit, she asks us to scratch a whole pile of tickets. I don’t know if it is the fact that she doesn’t scratch them or just the sheer amount of tickets she purchases that upsets my brother so immensely. Either way, the bf and I scratch a billion tickets for her while my brother rolls his eyes to the point I’m sure he gives himself a headache.

Finally, my mother is reading cookbooks. I mean, really reading them. She hates cooking so, like I did as a child, my brother has picked up the gauntlet. I never cared for following recipes but my brother is a much more surgical than I am in everything he does so I am sure he appreciates the fact that our mom purchased three more cookbooks this week. She reads them cover to cover as if they’re fiction novels (maybe to her they are?) and then puts them on the pile of “read” books. Once they’ve made it onto the pile, my brother picks and chooses the ones he wants to keep and the rest go to the used book store where she has a bazillion dollar credit because she doesn’t buy used books.

Oh wait. One last thing. She has, and this one I’m particularly proud of, started swearing at people. My mother has always been a bit introverted and, as a result, avoided confrontation. I’ve never had that problem so usually it is me who stands up to people for her. I’ve fought with a landlord on her behalf, even going so far as to take him to court (I won!), I deserted my masters program and scholarships to fly home and do battle with her ex-husband through a particularly messy divorce, and I’ve waged war against people who have mistreated her over the years. Imagine my surprise and delight when she rolled down her window the other day to scream obscenities at a man who cut her off not once but twice in traffic then gave her the finger while hurling his own obscenities at her. It’s a small thing but it is also a great start!

I am sure there are more odd habits but I don’t have time to think of them at the moment. I have to make room for my new jewellery before the boyfriend gets home.

ring

Okay, this photo does not do this ring justice but that is actually a gorgeous canary yellow Swarovski crystal. Cool, huh?

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. May 18, 2012 9:14 am

    Very cool new ring…. kind of big fo me but looks good on you. πŸ™‚ mothers are weid, I think it is having to take so much time to raise us, and a admit it, raising an author is no joke. Not like raising a nurse or a jock, or a businessman…. lol

    • May 18, 2012 3:46 pm

      Yep, my mom is an oddball in its most awesome form. The ring is huge but I love it. Now I just have to find somewhere to wear it!

  2. May 18, 2012 2:54 pm

    Your mom sounds like a hoot. Treasure her.. and log these memories so when she is no longer with you, you can look back and grin. My mom is still one of my best friends and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.

    • May 18, 2012 3:47 pm

      Oh geez. My mom is only fifteen years older than me and she stresses about about absolutely nothing so I am sure she’ll outlive me. πŸ™‚ She is definitely by best friend. We have way too much fun together.

  3. May 18, 2012 6:48 pm

    I think I want to die and come back as your dog. I wouldn’t mind being taken to the beach and fed popcorn. Seriously, your mom is great!

    • May 18, 2012 7:20 pm

      I wouldn’t mind that, either. That dog gets way too much love and attention.

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