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Some People Deserve a Slap

May 26, 2012

You know what pisses me off? Well, a lot of things, actually, but do you know what pisses me off today? This whole Will Smith thing.

Yes, I understand he backhanded a reporter but it wasn’t even hard. Personally, if a stranger kissed me without some form of implied or overt invitation, I would likely backhand him so hard his head would spin. And no one would blame me. So why is it that just because Will Smith is male or famous or has money or whatever, people are calling this a controversy? Some are opining about whether or not the reporter will sue. Sue? WTF? The guy’s lucky Will Smith isn’t suing him!

Here is the stupid video of the Will Smith incident:

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Now, speaking of unwanted kisses, here are two personal kissy stories for your amusement.

I remember when I was a kid, a young, handicapped  guy kissed me on a crowded bus. Like, out of nowhere. I was just sitting there minding my own business and all of a sudden this huge, mentally challenged guy – maybe late teen or early twenties – just grabbed me and planted a huge smooch on my lips. I was shocked and completely unsure as to what to do. Had it been a “normal” guy, I of course would have decked him but this guy was clearly not right. I was in the middle of working through what I thought my my mom would say about me punching a mentally handicapped guy right in his mouth when the driver solved my predicament by pulling over the bus and yelling at the guy to get out. Immediately forgetting that the guy had just had his grubby lips on mine, I freaked out because I thought the guy was too stupid to find his way home if he didn’t get off at the right stop. The bus driver relented but made him move seats. After the poor guy (yes, at this point I felt sorry for him because he appeared very heartbroken) moved seats I realized everyone on the bus was staring at me. How embarrassing! I did not think things could get any worse but then the guy, now seated opposite me, started crying. Loudly. The bus driver yelled at him to shut up, I tried to disappear into my seat, convinced this whole mess was my fault for smiling at him when I first stepped on the bus. I decided to get off and walk the rest of the way home. As I exited the bus, he (loudly) professed his love for me. Wow.

Now, I would like to share with you the story of my first kiss.

I was a tomboy as a kid, albeit the girliest tomboy ever. I would race the boys on my BMX bike with the understanding that if I won (which I usually did) then they would have to play barbies with me. I wasn’t completely heartless, though, so we usually ended up playing Barbie and G.I. Joe get married and then kill each other in a magnificent battle.

Anyway, my best friend, a boy obviously, asked me to go for a walk along the creek beside our school. I was immediately suspicious because he was acting shady and he held something behind his back. I thought he planned to show me a dead animal or something. Despite my reservations, I walked with him along the creek for what seemed like ever and then finally, refusing to take another step, I demanded to know wth was going on. From behind his back he produced a pretty pink flower. I stared at it nonplussed. Finally I looked up at him to ask what the hell I was supposed to do with a flower. And that’s when he kissed me right on the lips. Shocked, my jaw dropped open. He pulled away and offered a beatific smile. At which point I punched him right in the mouth. The poor guy dropped like a tonne of bricks. For good measure I kicked him in the ass and then ran away. To my credit, I never told anyone about the incident, except my mom who thought it was hilarious, and we remained friends. In my mind, we had to. He was the only kid in school who had a real tree house.

My mom still thinks I am responsible for turning him gay. I don’t think this is true. After all, his name is Lance. A man with the name Lance is pretty much on his way to being gay anyway, right? No? Okay. Maybe it was me, then.

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11 Comments leave one →
  1. May 26, 2012 10:32 am

    Funny girl. Love your stories, and I agree about the Will Smith thing, he should have punched the guy. I would have.

  2. May 26, 2012 12:33 pm

    Agreed, Will didn’t even slap him hard. A man has a right to defend himself.
    Your two stories made me cry and giggle. Precious memories, thank you for sharing

  3. May 26, 2012 1:09 pm

    You’ve touched on one of my pet peeves. I’m all for hugging friends, and even doing the social kissy thing with people I don’t know well. But total strangers?? Just because someone makes movies or sings songs (or writes best selling books!) the public does NOT have the right to assume instant friendship.

  4. May 26, 2012 6:17 pm

    Too funny; I used to climb trees in a dress. Total A tomboy but always in a dress. Weird.

  5. May 27, 2012 4:20 am

    Damn straight, Will Smith could sue the reporter. Touching someone without permission is called ‘trespass against the person’ and it’s something you can sue for. So I agree – why all the fuss because Will Smith backhanded a reporter who trespassed against his person? Ironically, it’s arguably more acceptable to shoot someone who trespassed on his property! Well, not in Australia. But maybe in America…

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