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Notes to Self

June 2, 2012

1. If your mom tells you you’ve gained weight, and you don’t want to prove her right, do not wear jeans with a snap instead of a button to a party with lots of birthday cake.

2. If by some horrible twist of fate your boyfriend is home while you’re trying to watch Glee, he will protest your viewing choice by performing interpretive dance in front of the television during every song. Find something for your boyfriend to do every Tuesday night of next season. Alternatively, find a new boyfriend.

3. Order fifty pink flamingos to be placed in your mom’s yard in front of her sailboat. Make sure there are no paper trails leading back to you as she will kill you if she finds out you did it.

4. Much like orange juice, lemonade should be avoided directly after brushing teeth.

5. Sitting on your balcony and drinking wine while watching people play tennis on the court below is not the same thing as learning to play tennis.

6. Spending three hours on Twitter should not be defined as “research”.

7a. If someone starts their sentence with, “Not to be rude but…”, “I don’t want to be a bitch but…”, “No offense but…”Ā  brace yourself. They are about to say something rude, bitchy and offensive.

7b. If you end your response to a rude, bitchy and offensive comment with, “I’m just being honest,” then, by their own rules, they can’t get mad.

8. If you mention you are on a diet, people will try to force feed you unhealthy, fattening, really awesome food.

9. A liquid diet should not include all the wine and/or tequila you can drink.

10. Dr. Oz is a jerk. Stop watching his show.

 

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12 Comments leave one →
  1. zencherry permalink
    June 2, 2012 12:16 pm

    I live and breathe by 7b. I usually add badabing. That part they can get mad at alllll they want. šŸ˜‰

  2. June 2, 2012 2:23 pm

    #10 totally got me. I agree. He flip flops on information so much I don’t know what to believe anymore. Some great insights at times, but “never eat this food” on the Monday show ends up being the “eat more of this dynamic food” on the Friday show, and I get too confused. Actually… I think I have made similar notes on all the rest myself. Except #2. I can’t get into musicals. But otherwise, we are on the same page.

    • June 2, 2012 9:48 pm

      Yeah, he’s a flip flopping jerk. I don’t like Glee either but I’m addicted. I need help.

  3. June 2, 2012 3:40 pm

    Love, love this list. Very funny. K, I don’t watch Glee, buy I don’t have a boyfriend either…. also, don’t have a mom anymore to pick on…. but Aunt Sharon…. would sooooo kill me. Lol. Dr. Oz…. never liked him much. šŸ™‚
    Thanks for the funnies.

    • June 3, 2012 1:54 pm

      Thanks Lyssa! I think we would have a blast if we ever found ourselves in the same city at the same time. šŸ™‚

  4. June 2, 2012 5:12 pm

    Great as always. Two specific points. As to Glee and Musicals in particular, I think the person who came up with them has a special section in hell. Working the sound board in college will do that to you. We’re at every rehearsal and performance. “Tradition, Tradition, Tradition”. As to point number 5. While it may not be the same thing as learning to play tennis, it sounds a lot more enjoyable.

    • June 2, 2012 9:51 pm

      I’m not fond of Glee (although I’m addicted) and I totally agree about the hell thing. Oh how I love musicals, though.

      I tried tennis once and I did not care for it. It looks deceptively fun when I’m drinking my wine, though. Not as fun as drinking my wine, of course. I’m not a crazy person.

  5. June 2, 2012 9:40 pm

    Love it. The Glee thing is so true.

    • June 2, 2012 9:52 pm

      Ugh. The guy just won’t let me watch in peace. Next time His Mythbusters is on, I’m going to practice my miming skills in front of the flat screen.

  6. June 2, 2012 10:46 pm

    Loved this list! Totally agree with number 10. Every time I watch Dr. Oz he’s talking about poop: What your poop looks like, what your poop should look like, what it looks like if you’ve eaten shredded wheat, etc. I think he has an unhealthy dookie obsession that, for some strange reason, he’s proud of.

    • June 3, 2012 3:07 am

      Some people have major issues with poop. Some are obsessed while others hate it. I once worked with a girl who hated pooping so much that she only did it once a week. I think both types on the poop spectrum are insane.

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