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Weird SH** People Looked At After Viewing My Book

June 12, 2012

Every once in a while, I like to check out my books on Amazon to see what other people looked at or purchased after viewing my book.  Since a lot of the books that other people view are similar to mine in genre and interest, it is a great way to discover new authors.

I recently decided to check out what other people had looked at after viewing a few of the anthologies I have stories in. I clicked on the anthology called WTF?!, the only non-erotic story I have written thus far. It is a weird little story, a flash fiction piece about a fruit stuck in a discount grocery store. Anyway, here is what customers viewed after viewing this item.

Let’s break this down, shall we?







Whole Milk. Because who wouldn’t but a tub of milk off the internet? And I’ve been walking to the supermarket like a sucker.

Uranium Ore






Just what the doctor ordered! A radioactive ore sample! Now, I know what you’re thinking. “What good is uranium ore without unicorn meat?” Don’t worry folks; after minimal research, I learned that you can buy both with just the click of a button.

uranium ore and unicorn meat




I don’t know about you but that does make my life a lot easier.






I’ll be honest, folks. I was not quite sure what Liquid Ass is, exactly. I have kind of a dirty mind so I assumed it had something to do with kinky sex. Obviously I clicked on it right away. Turns out I was wrong and sorely disappointed. Liquid Ass is a stinky fart spray. Who knows, maybe some people would find that kinky. I personally just wonder why the unicorn meat wouldn’t do the trick.

Horse Head Mask








Ah yes, here you have your run of the mill horse head mask. Personally, I am shocked that everyone on the planet does not own one of these already. I mean, what closet is complete without a horse head neatly displayed between the hat boxes and purse bags on the top shelf?







Alright, here is where things get really fucked up. I can only assume that some weird bastard is out there right now training dogs to use sophisticated, wheeled forms of transport by placing unicorn meat just beyond their reach. Here are these frustrated, salivating dogs wheeling forward for days on end in hopes of getting a little magical sustenance. What happens if they actually reach it? What then? World domination, I bet.

$2695 video cable








Finally we have the Diamond HDMI Digital Audio/Video Cable. What kind of sicko spends $2,695 + shipping on an audio/video cable when there are actual diamonds that they could purchase for the same amount of money? I ask again, WHAT KIND OF SICKO WOULD DO THAT? Do they not realize that audio/video cables will look stupid draped across their neck? Stupid!

So there you have it, folks. And I have to tell you, I am completely torn at this point. I am not sure whether I should beg you to view my books and then go view other stories right away so that I have a normal, erotic little gallery that other customers may choose from to discover other authors, or challenge you to view my books and then immediately look at weird shit that will make people wonder if all the people who buy my stories are seven kinds of fucked up. So I’ll just leave that up to you. Whatever route you choose, please make sure to like my books and tags while you’re there. If you have happened to  purchase one or more of my books, I would LOVE YOU FOREVER if you would leave a star rating and/or review. It has been pointed out that my books are sorely lacking in those.


12 Comments leave one →
  1. June 12, 2012 8:59 am

    LOL! this is amazing! I dread to think what’s actually in that unicorn meat! That horse head proper tickled me though! xx

  2. June 12, 2012 4:00 pm

    Liquid ass!! Catchy title for such a product.

  3. Fitz permalink
    June 15, 2012 4:24 pm

    I suspected that liquid was something along the anal douche route…clearly I too have a filthy mind. Fart spray! So obvious now… ¬_¬

  4. June 16, 2012 2:32 pm

    Clearly what this means is that really weird people are attracted by your work – you ought to be proud. I would be.

    • July 13, 2012 3:12 pm

      I’m proud that anyone is attracted to my work, really. Every single time someone buys one of my books, I go into that creepy, weepy “They like me, they really like me!” mode.

      • November 28, 2012 9:58 pm

        Yeah I know what you mean; I feel a bit foolish later in the day, but man oh man what a rush it is!

  5. July 13, 2012 3:01 pm

    I have to admit that “Liquid Ass” made me raise an eyebrow…more so than the radioactive isotope. And I will admit that my brains started trying to figure the whole thing out…Take from that what you will. Also, what kind of moron spends $2K on a flipping cable?! Seriously!

    • July 13, 2012 3:41 pm

      I know, right? I am still racking my brain to come up with a scenario in which all of these products work together. The cable thing blows my mind.


  1. Nakedy Nickety | zencherry

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