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My Troubles With Naughty Euphemisms

June 22, 2012

I am currently working with my ultra fab editor on the final touches for A Decent December, a delightful little story about a three-way between a girl, her neighbour and her Hitachi Magic Wand. All of the editor’s suggestions were completely en pointe, which is why I heart her so much. She caught all of the stupid mistakes I made, and then some.

One of the errors she caught was my use of the word shaft twice in the same short paragraph. She suggested I change the second shaft to something along the lines of turgid flesh. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against turgid flesh. But I think turgid flesh is best left to those with more soft, flowing and romantic stories to share. The characters in my stories, especially the short ones, are a little too…consumed to be able to take the time to come up with that thoughtful of a euphemism. So I countered the editor’s turgid flesh with hard cock. Luckily for me, she was on board. Whew!

I commented:

Turgid Flesh

She commented:

hard cock

Another problem I have with adding euphemisms to my stories is that I start to get a little too inventive. If I stray outside cock, shaft, dick, penis, etc. then my dirty mind turns every innocuous word or word combination into a cheezy euphemism. As an example, just the other day I met a guy who had to wear a button that said “Ask Me About Minglestick” (basically a little USB thingy), in an effort to advertise the product. I immediately had to screw with this button:

(Don’t worry, we removed the MY before his boss could see it.) Hmm, now that I think about it, I never did ask him about his Minglestick…damn.


12 Comments leave one →
  1. June 22, 2012 11:10 am

    Still laughing! Love it. πŸ™‚

  2. zencherry permalink
    June 22, 2012 11:44 am

    (Laughing…hard) The other day me and my hottie were commuting longer than expected. So what do we do? We go through a list of all the terms that can stand for dick. (VJ got it’s turn too) We got up way over 30 before my mind went hmmm. Now I have another one. Thanks!

    • June 22, 2012 7:03 pm

      We should write a collaborative blog post on all of the slang words for penis.

      • zencherry permalink
        June 22, 2012 7:06 pm

        Oh my god YES! I just thought of another that would have won me the game he and I were having: Slim Jim. NOW I think of it.

  3. June 22, 2012 1:11 pm

    I should hope hard cock works because a soft one doesn’t seem like it would do the job … just saying. As for the button, I would totally have done something like that and probably given hubby the button πŸ˜‰

  4. June 22, 2012 1:17 pm

    Too funny! I’m afraid hubs and I were guilty of some purple prose when we first got started, but we’re keeping things a lot more real now.

    • June 22, 2012 7:05 pm

      Purple prose can be fun and it can work for those characters who would die a thousand deaths before ever uttering the word cock but my girls tend to be a little more direct. πŸ˜‰

  5. June 22, 2012 5:39 pm

    Try Disco Stick next time. Lady Gaga: Let’s have some fun, this beat is sick, I wanna take a ride on your disco stick.

  6. June 27, 2012 4:34 pm

    “Does hard cock work?”

    Why, yes. Yes, it does. Works every time.

    My hubby has a few colorful euphemisms he uses once in awhile but I wouldn’t want to use them in my writing, unless I was working on a comedy. ‘Course laughter is good during sex sometimes too, as long as it’s over what was said and not what was presented, right? I mean we are talking about dicks here and we all know how sensitve the owners of those toys are.

    • June 28, 2012 1:53 am

      Lol! Yes a hard cock tends to work better than any other kind. And, absolutely laughter must be handled delicately in sexy situations. πŸ˜‰

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