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Conversation on Sex I Never Thought I’d Have

August 29, 2012

I spent the weekend with friends at a cottage. It was a beautiful cottage that we rented from another set of friends.

Of course, whenever you spend copious amounts of time with friends, and copious amounts of alcohol are consumed, strange conversations are prone to happen.

I knew it was going to be one of those weekends when my boyfriend and I were generously offered the only room with a king size bed and en suite washroom (complete with private hot tub). I, of course, griped, “I know what you assholes are up to. You’re giving us the open loft because you know we can’t have sex in it! Why does everyone else get a sex friendly room and we don’t?”  From the guilty looks, I could tell I’d hit the nail on the head. I also knew the nail was the only thing I’d be hitting, since the other couples had unpacked and the loft was ours. Le sigh.

The joke was on them, however. One couple was too hot and the bed was too small in their room. The other couple was stuck with an extra squeaky, creaky bed so they were out of luck, too. So we dubbed it The Sexless Cottage. Thank Jeebus we were there for just two nights!

Now, you think that the sex focused conversation would have ended with the lack of ability to follow through. Nope, it just made us talk about it more. Of the oddest conversations I participated in went something like this:

My Gay Friend: I used to be able to take it up the butt a lot. The last few years, though, I haven’t been able to.

Me: You should try Anal-Ese. It’s a lube with a muscle relaxer. I’ve heard it works wonders.

My Gay Friend: Yeah, right. You’ve heard it works wonders.*snicker* *snort*

Me: Yup, one of my other gay friends told me.

My Gay Friend: Uh huh…a friend. You however would never use a product like that.

Me: Nope, never…I have no issues taking it up the butt. (It took much effort for me to say this with a straight face, in as offhand a matter as possible.)

My Gay Friend: *Shocked face* D.C., I officially dub thee an honorary homo.

Me: Thank you, I’m honoured. And I dub thee an honorary chick.

My Gay Friend: What? Why?

Me: Because you have issues with taking it up the butt, of course.

Gay Friend’s boyfriend joins us at this point.

Gay Friend’s Boyfriend: What are you talking about?

Gay Friend: Anal-Ese.

Gay Friend’s Boyfriend: Shit, she doesn’t need to hear you talk about ass lube. You need to stop drinking for a while.

Me: I tried to tell him that there are just some things I don’t need to know but the dude just wouldn’t shut up. He’s like a girl.

Gay Friend: What? I…What? But she…

Me: *Bats eyelashes*

Gay Friend: Oh fuck it. I’m sorry, D.C., for bringing up anal lube.

Yup, I’m kind of a bitch. A mean and kinky bitch.

12 Comments leave one →
  1. August 29, 2012 11:42 am

    Love it!

  2. August 29, 2012 12:51 pm


  3. August 29, 2012 7:49 pm

    Pretty funny story. You left your gay friend looking silly on that one! Sorry that you were in a bang-free cottage. 😦

  4. August 29, 2012 11:11 pm

    Ahahaha! I have to ask… you had a loft bedroom = no sex, BUT you had an ensuite with hot tub….? Not an opportunity I would have missed….

    • August 30, 2012 7:30 pm

      I didn’t want to mess around in a hot tub with a questionable past.

  5. August 30, 2012 8:28 am

    LOL – I wouldn’t have been able to keep a straight face.

    • August 30, 2012 7:30 pm

      I’ve had a lot of practice with the whole deadpanning thing but even I’m proud of myself for that one. 😀

  6. angelicadawson permalink
    August 30, 2012 7:00 pm

    Bwahaha! Sometimes being the girl is just awesome.

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