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Women Can Rationalize ANYTHING, Part One

December 1, 2012

Or maybe it is just me that can rationalize the hell out of anything. For example, spending money.

My boyfriend has been searching for new boots for three fuggin’ years. Or, to state this more correctly, he has been asking me to find him boots for three years. Three years is a an awful long time so I realize you’re probably wondering why I haven’t done my girlfriend duties and just bought him some damn footwear. The thing is I have tried. Oh how I’ve tried. But when it comes to footwear, my boyfriend is pickier than a chick. In fact, he is way worse than a girl because any sane female would just find ten or so pairs of shoes and boots  that match their existing outerwear, outfits, occasions, specific needs and, of course, moods. MY boyfriend, however, wants exactly one pair of runners (I believe you call them tennis shoes in the US), one pair of work boots, one pair of dress shoes, and one pair of boots that will work for every winter situation and occasion other than work.

At least I’ve found moderate success with his footwear requests, aside from the boots. I have found a formula that works for the runners – Old school Adidas, preferably black on white or white on black.  I’ve also found a formula for work boots that work – a specific brand I cannot recall the name of right now that are steel toed, black leather and from Mark’s work Wear House.  I know when the sales are so every year I pick up a new pair, toss the old pair and he’s happy. The dress shoes are a little more difficult but I found a pair that worked for him last year – black, not pointy but not rounded and not overly squared, not shiny but not exactly a matte finish either, no embellishments put subtle detail in the stitching so they are not so plain – I am out of the woods on that for a little while. The boots, however, are driving me bat shit crazy.

In the last three years I have taken him shopping for boots no less than six times. Additionally, I have purchased and then returned ten pairs after he rejected them more harshly than a judge on the X factor. I was about ready to give up when I heard The Bay was having a 40% off sale on all men’s footwear. In addition to this huge sale, The Bay card holders receive an extra 25% off at the register. I forced my boyfriend to accompany me to sale, where he tried on a buhzillion pairs of shoes, and dismissed all of them. Two hours later, we were about to leave when another pair caught my attention. Sure, they were $300 but I didn’t bat an eyelash because of the sale.  He tried the boots on and I swear singing angels swooped down from heaven as an ethereal glow ensconced the magic and wonder of my boyfriend’s swathed feet.

“We’re buying those,” I said in my best don’t-fucking-argue-with-me-or-I-will-make-your-life-a-living-nightmare voice.

He didn’t argue. In fact, he thought they were the most comfortable boots he’d ever tried on.

Unfortunately those were the only boots in the whole bloody men’s footwear section that were not part of the sale. Another unfortunate discovery was made at the checkout. These boots were Men’s Uggs! My boyfriend detests Uggs and the women who wear them so much that he has repeatedly told me in Liz Lemon fashion that they are a “deal breaker”. A small argument ensued in typical couple-arguing-in-public fashion. You  know what I’m talking about – smiles pasted on the couple’s  faces while they glare daggers at each other and whisper so vehemently that they’d draw less attention if they were to yell obscenities at strangers.

BF: D.C., I can’t wear Uggs!

ME: They don’t look like Uggs. No one ever has to know.

HAPLESS SALES GIRL CAUGHT IN AN ARGUMENT WHO WANTS TO QUIETLY BACK AWAY BUT ALSO WANTS TO STAY AND MAKE A SALE: Men’s Uggs are way nicer than the women’s Uggs. I wish they made women’s Ug-

BF: They’re $300! Who the fuck would spend $300 on a pair a boots?

ME: I buy $300 shoes all the time.

HAPLESS SALES GIRL: Oh sure, $300 is nothing. I-

BF: I’m sorry, what? Did you just say you spend $300 on shoes…all the time?

ME: No, I said I buy $300 shoes, I don’t spend $300 on a pair of shoes. See, I can actually find a pair I like that isn’t the only one in the store that’s not on sale.

HAPLESS SALES CLERK: You can still earn points on your HBC card. Do you have an –

BF: I’m not spending $300 on boots that I’m just going to walk around in.

ME: What else would you do with boots other than walk around in them? Besides, you’re not spending anything. I’m spending $300 on a pair of boots for you. I’ve bought all of your shoes for the last seven years. Why would this be any different?

BF: *starting to get flustered* But…it’s still our money…

ME: But it’s MY time spent shopping and then returning stupid boots, listening to you complain every time winter comes, and watching you walk around in shoes in the snow. I am happy to spend $300 just to not have to put up with that shit for at least a year or so.

BF: *sighs* You can rationalize anything, can’t you?

HAPLESS SALES GIRL: So, um, should I ring these, you know, up?

ME/BF: Yes, please.

~

This story is not quite over but I’ll save that for part deux.

~

Just so you folks believe me that the Uggs weren’t totally ugly and gross, check out the men’s section of the Uggs website.

~

funny and true

 

 

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9 Comments leave one →
  1. December 1, 2012 11:18 pm

    My husband keeps saying ‘I need new shoes’. Is he trying to tell me to go buy some for him? Because my answer is always ‘Well, I told you to go buy some!’

    But I completely understand what you mean about it being YOUR time and it’s worth it just to make the complaining stop…

    • December 2, 2012 11:06 pm

      Yep, he’s trying to get you to go shopping for him. Don’t do it! You’ll set a precedent.

      • ciaraballintyne permalink
        December 2, 2012 11:25 pm

        Not a chance…. I strategically can’t cook so he will. I’m not going to start losing ground by doing his shopping!

  2. December 2, 2012 2:15 am

    OMG I am SO GLAD I don’t have to go out and buy a full-grown adult’s freaking clothes for him. I’m with Ciara on this one. Great post, can’t wait for part two.

    • December 2, 2012 11:08 pm

      I don’t usually mind doing the shopping. He’s picky, a little cheap and a procrastinator. It’s just simpler for me to do it. Plus, I totally excel at shopping. 🙂

  3. December 2, 2012 7:38 pm

    Hey, they’re so not ugly!

    Holy crap, you poor thing! Your boyfriend sounds picky!!

  4. December 7, 2012 1:15 pm

    I hate shopping. Guys in my life are on their own!

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  1. Women Can Rationalize ANYTHING, part two « D.C. McMillen

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