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My Sex Toy Has Gone Rogue

December 21, 2012

I get a little stressed around the holidays. My entire family and a lot of my friends come over on Christmas Day and they eat and eat and eat. I usually spend the entire week leading up to Christmas baking and decorating and planning and stressing the fuck out. To boot, this holiday season, I have picked up a whopping cold. So my boyfriend suggested we unwind a little in the most fun way we know how. Without going into to much detail, let’s just say the boyfriend pulled out all the stops…and that box under our bed marked “Sexual Paraphernalia. No Touchy, Unless You Live in this House”. I marked it as that a long time ago just in case both my boyfriend and I die in terrible car crash and his Catholic folks are stuck cleaning out our place. After the last incident in which the bf’s mom found an embarrassing stash (you can read all about that fun little story in my post Why My Boyfriend’s Mom Thinks I’m a Perv), I am quite certain she will read the label on the box and just toss the whole thing out. Or set it on fire.

But I digress so back to my story.

My feelings of euphoria after our impromptu sexual escapade did not last long. I realized I was out of that special cleaner that you spray on sex toys so I went into the washroom to wash my favourite little pink vibrator. I got a call from my mom and she bitched about stuff and I listened then I bitched about stuff, the whole time pacing from room to room, waving around my little pink vibrator for emphasis. I hung up the phone and started doing something else. It wasn’t until about two hours later that I realized I forgot to put my toy back in the box.

I have searched everywhere for my little pink vibrator, folks. So has the boyfriend. We even looked in the dog’s toy basket in case she, um, mistook it for a chew toy. It wasn’t there.

So now I have a whole bunch of family and friends coming over on Christmas Day and somewhere in this home there is a little pink vibrator waiting to be found. Oh, and it gets better. See, colds make me dumb and I tend to get quite forgetful when I’m sick. I misplace stuff and find them only after the cold goes away. Well, yesterday I lost a tub of vegetable shortening. I’m not sure where I put it down or why I carried it out of the kitchen. Wherever the hell that vat of vegetable shortening is, I hope to gawd it’s not next to my little pink vibrator. Even my friends and family would think that is too weird.

24 Comments leave one →
  1. December 21, 2012 5:21 pm

    leave it to you to wake me up better than the coffee!! Hope you find it soon and it’s not been too well lubricated.

    • December 22, 2012 6:08 pm

      I figure I just need to find one or the other to not be labelled a sexual deviant…oh who am I kidding. ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. December 21, 2012 5:24 pm

    LoL! Yeah, a misplaced sex toy AND tub of shortening is pretty incriminating. At first I was worried you’d had a “Beautiful Losers” type of rogue vibrator experience, ending in the item gaining sentience and throwing itself off a balcony before crawling out to sea. If you haven’t read it, you definitely should.

    P.S. You don’t actually have to buy that special “sex toy wash” stuff. Soap and water works just fine.

  3. juliabarrett permalink
    December 21, 2012 5:43 pm

    Do you remember the movie, Parenthood? And the power outage? You oughta watch the vibrator masquerading as a flashlight scene.

    • December 22, 2012 6:09 pm

      I’ve never watched it. I’m going to see if they have that scene on Youtube! Thanks for the tip.

  4. tallulahrose permalink
    December 21, 2012 5:43 pm

    That really made me smile… Sorry..xx

    • December 22, 2012 6:10 pm

      No apologies necessary. If I can’t get people to laugh at the stupid stuff I do, what’s the point of doing stupid stuff?

  5. juliabarrett permalink
    December 21, 2012 5:44 pm

    It also reminds me of the time one of our pet corn snakes went rogue and ended up, somehow, in the bathroom cabinet when my mother, terrified of snakes, was visiting. Of course she opened the cabinet…

    • December 22, 2012 6:10 pm

      OMG, I bet she thinks you put them there on purpose to teach her a lesson for snooping in your cabinet. ๐Ÿ˜€

  6. zencherry permalink
    December 22, 2012 12:27 am


    • zencherry permalink
      December 22, 2012 12:29 am

      That is a speed bump enter. I didn’t mean no I meant now I really wish we lived on the same street. Laughed my ass off.

      • December 22, 2012 6:11 pm

        Me, too. I wouldn’t make you help me look for it but I’d invite you over so you could be there with me when someone else found it. #pricelessmoment

  7. December 22, 2012 1:55 am

    Wow. I really hope you find it before anyone else does. If not, it’s your house they really shouldn’t be looking in cupboards and behind closed doors anyway. If it’s not laying around out in the open you probably tossed it in drawer somewhere.
    Jae Mac, I’m Just Sayin’…(Damn!)

    • December 22, 2012 6:12 pm

      If anyone else finds it other than me, I just hope it would be my mom. She would laugh her ass off.

  8. Loni permalink
    December 22, 2012 5:54 am

    Check the laundry and linen closet thoroughly ‘cos all it takes if for your mother or other relation to go looking for an extra tablecloth and it’ll magically drop in front of them.

  9. December 22, 2012 2:37 pm

    Nothing to do but laugh when it’s found by the most inappropriate person.

  10. peterphelps1960 permalink
    December 22, 2012 3:48 pm

    Haha! Brilliant! Have you checked the cutlery drawer?

    • December 22, 2012 6:13 pm

      Well, I have NOW. Alas, it is not in there. Thank you for the tip. One less place I don’t have to worry about.

  11. zencherry permalink
    December 22, 2012 7:06 pm

    Please, please, please have a camera ready. #wouldpaybigtoseeit ๐Ÿ˜€


  1. I Found My Vibrator. Merry Christmas « D.C. McMillen
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