My Sex Toy Has Gone Rogue

I get a little stressed around the holidays. My entire family and a lot of my friends come over on Christmas Day and they eat and eat and eat. I usually spend the entire week leading up to Christmas baking and decorating and planning and stressing the fuck out. To boot, this holiday season, I have picked up a whopping cold. So my boyfriend suggested we unwind a little in the most fun way we know how. Without going into to much detail, let’s just say the boyfriend pulled out all the stops…and that box under our bed marked “Sexual Paraphernalia. No Touchy, Unless You Live in this House”. I marked it as that a long time ago just in case both my boyfriend and I die in terrible car crash and his Catholic folks are stuck cleaning out our place. After the last incident in which the bf’s mom found an embarrassing stash (you can read all about that fun little story in my post Why My Boyfriend’s Mom Thinks I’m a Perv), I am quite certain she will read the label on the box and just toss the whole thing out. Or set it on fire.

But I digress so back to my story.

My feelings of euphoria after our impromptu sexual escapade did not last long. I realized I was out of that special cleaner that you spray on sex toys so I went into the washroom to wash my favourite little pink vibrator. I got a call from my mom and she bitched about stuff and I listened then I bitched about stuff, the whole time pacing from room to room, waving around my little pink vibrator for emphasis. I hung up the phone and started doing something else. It wasn’t until about two hours later that I realized I forgot to put my toy back in the box.

I have searched everywhere for my little pink vibrator, folks. So has the boyfriend. We even looked in the dog’s toy basket in case she, um, mistook it for a chew toy. It wasn’t there.

So now I have a whole bunch of family and friends coming over on Christmas Day and somewhere in this home there is a little pink vibrator waiting to be found. Oh, and it gets better. See, colds make me dumb and I tend to get quite forgetful when I’m sick. I misplace stuff and find them only after the cold goes away. Well, yesterday I lost a tub of vegetable shortening. I’m not sure where I put it down or why I carried it out of the kitchen. Wherever the hell that vat of vegetable shortening is, I hope to gawd it’s not next to my little pink vibrator. Even my friends and family would think that is too weird.