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I Found My Vibrator. Merry Christmas

December 24, 2012

What a fab Christmas present to me! I found my vibrator. For those of you who read my last post, My Sex Toy Has Gone Rogue, you get why this is worth writing about. I mean, I’m not saying you would write about it or anything. I’m just saying you can get why I’m writing about it.

Anyway.  Let me repeat, I found the vibrator.

Not my boyfriend, who would have been the next best person to find it because he simply would have waited for everyone to go home and then said something like, “Can you put this away? I’m not sure where it goes.” even though he was the one who took it out of the box under our bed clearly labelled Sexual Paraphernalia. No Touchy, Unless You Live in this House.

Not my mom, who would probably have have held it up and loudly said something like, “D.C. This is such a pretty colour of pink. Can I take it to the Home Depot so they’ll colour match it? I’ve been thinking about repainting my washroom. Hey, do you think this pink would go with my dolphin dildo or should I move that to the kitchen?” At which point my brother would roll his eyes so far into the back of his head that I’d have to slap him just to get them back in place and then I would say, “why not move your dolphin dildo to the bedroom, Mom?” An entire argument would ensue and my friends would drink all of my booze on the off chance it might help them un-hear our family tiff.

Not my brother, who would have acted like it was the end of the world to find his sister’s sex toy. He probably would have done that whole, “ewh! ewh! ewh! I think I touched it! Does anyone have any bleach? I need to bathe in bleach! I swear to god, all I want for Christmas is a normal family that doesn’t carve pornographic pumpkins or consider sex stuff to be ornamental. Is that too much to ask?” And then I would have responded, “Oh sweetie, you only want that because you’re too young to drink so you’re still really boring. Just wait a few years and you’ll realize how fun we all are.” At which point he would have screamed, “I’ll never be one of you! I’m not boring, you’re all insane.” Then he would have taken the collectable/historic coins and “how its made” books I bought him for Christmas and silently sat in a corner looking them over until my mother was ready to take him home.

Not my sexually repressed friend with a highly inappropriate sense of humour who would never in million years understand the concept of couple owning a  sexual toy box. He would have spent the rest of the evening making comments about how my boyfriend needed help in the “bedroom department” until said boyfriend would finally lose his temper and go into graphic detail about exactly how the toy is incorporated into our romps, followed with the suggestion that our friend buy one for his own girlfriend. I would not be able to stop myself from pointing out that, of course his girlfriend already owns one, it’s  just well hidden somewhere. Our sexually repressed friend would have then have excused himself early to go home and meticulously search through his girlfriend’s personal shit.

Not my gay friend, who would have waved it around asking, “Which one of you deviants belongs to this little gem?” followed by in depth suggestions about other sex toys which we should “give a whirl”. My mom would have started asking questions, my brother would have stuffed red and green tissue paper in his ears and sat in a corner, my sexually repressed friend would have started having heart palpitations, and my boyfriend would have asked me, as he does every year, why the fuck do I feel the need to invite people over on Christmas.

So folks, the best possible scenario played out. My cold cleared up, lifting my fog of stupidity, and I finally recalled that I had folded a bit of laundry while talking on the phone and waving around my little pink vibrator. That’s right, I can multitask like a boss. I checked my shelf and there it was, tucked neatly between two sweaters. I put it back in the toy box and that is the end of the story.

I’m still missing the tub of shortening but who the fuck cares which one of us finds that.

Merry Christmas, everyone! May you find everything you’re looking for this holiday and more.

dildo tshirt

image credit and link to purchase t-shirt

~

butt plug santa

image credit and news story

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12 Comments leave one →
  1. robinbadillo permalink
    December 24, 2012 5:33 pm

    OMG! Haven’t laughed so hard in weeks. Your family sounds like mine, only my dad would have been the one making inappropriate comments much to the dismay of my step-mom!
    As a single mom and no current significant other…if my vibrator turned up missing it would be a clear sign something went terribly wrong somewhere! 9-1-1 and a couple of hunky firemen would definitely have to have become involved somewhere in the story to get it back!! Bwuahaha!

    • December 24, 2012 6:32 pm

      Ooh! I like the beginnings of this story! Maybe I should lose my toy again and call the fire dept.

  2. zencherry permalink
    December 24, 2012 5:49 pm

    Waving it around sounds like the absolute best scenario, but then I’m probably not the best one to ask. 😉 Loved it. Happy Yule and lotsa loot.

    • December 24, 2012 6:33 pm

      Happy Christmas to you, too, Maureen! I hope we both get a little something something in our stockings this year.

  3. December 24, 2012 7:21 pm

    Awesome! Just wait til the day you have to hide it so your teenage daughters don’t find (or steal) it. That’s my worst vibrator nightmare.

    • December 24, 2012 8:59 pm

      Teenagers. My worst nightmare regardless of whether a vibe is involved or not.

  4. December 24, 2012 8:06 pm

    What a relief! I was worrying for you! …

    • December 24, 2012 9:00 pm

      Yes, it’s definitely a Christmas miracle of one proportion or another.

  5. juliabarrett permalink
    December 24, 2012 8:53 pm

    LMAO! Now where is that tub of shortening???

  6. December 30, 2012 4:06 pm

    I’ve nominated you for the Blog of the Year Award. Happy New Year. http://emmameade.com/2012/12/30/blog-of-the-year-2012-awards/

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