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My Boyfriend’s Quest = My Tale of Woe

January 12, 2013

DISCLAIMER: We did not make all of these stops in just one day. He actually ate this many burgers over a three-day time period. Doesn’t that make it sooo much better?

As the boyfriend and I made our way back from visiting his folks in Florida, he made it his mission to stop at every fast food restaurant he had never gone to before. I don’t eat meat so I mostly just watched him gobble down artery-clogging, heart stopping burgers and fries.

checkers

Our first stop was Checkers. There was no inside seating at the Checkers. I’m not sure if that’s true for the entire chain or if it is unique to this location. Regardless, the BF and I walked up to the counter and he ordered a burger and a Coke.

“I wouldn’t order a soda if I were you,” warned the hairy, middle aged man behind the counter.

“Why not?” the BF asked. “What’s wrong with it?”

“The soda machine makes pop but it won’t get cold.”

“Can’t you just put ice in it?”

“Nope, it’s the ice machine that don’t work. Why do you think you can’t get a cold soda?” He looked at my boyfriend as if he were mentally handicapped.

“My mistake. Can I get a burger and a bottle of water, please?”

The boyfriend and I sat at a nearby table with the burger and water.

“How is your burger?” I asked.

“Good. I can’t believe it was only, like, two dollars.”

“I do not want to know how they can afford to sell two dollar burgers.”

~

sonicThe next place we stopped was Sonic. Sonic was interesting because you order from a speaker just like a drive through. Except, you don’t drive through, you pull into a parking spot and each parking spot has it’s own menu and screen. A girl brings you your order in a bag. It was very retro chic, or something like that, I guess. Mark ordered a burger and onion rings and a coke and I ordered these deep fried jalapeño cheddar things and a lime lemonade. The cheddar things were okay but the lime lemonade was basically Mountain Dew without the bubbles. It was kinda gross.

“How is your burger? I asked.

“Good. I can’t believe it was only, like, two dollars.”

“Yeah, much like the last place, that’s very impressive.”

~

krystal burgerI was happy to find our next stop, Krystal, to be conveniently located in the same parking lot as a Starbucks. I happily sipped my tall Pike Place coffee  as the boyfriend ordered two double bacon cheese burgers and fries. The lady behind the counter asked him if that was all he wanted. When the boyfriend said, “yes,” she then asked, “are you sure?”.

The burgers  were slider style, and it looked like two or three sliders could equal one double bacon cheese burger. Regardless, he was full when he had eaten everything on his tray so I’m glad he didn’t bow to Krystal cashier pressure.

“How were you burgers?” I asked.

“Good. I can’t believe I got this whole meal for, like, five dollars.”

“Yeah, that’s fucking incredible.”

~

Steak N ShakeNext up, we pulled over for Steak ‘n Shake. We were surprised to find that, while this place served fast food, they did it sit down, diner style. The BF ordered a bacon cheese burger, fries and a red velvet cake shake. I went all out crazy with a grilled veggie sandwich, fries and chocolate banana shake.

“How was your veggie sandwich and shake?” asked the boyfriend.

“Really good. And I can’t believe our entire meal came to under twenty dollars.”

“My burger and fries was just four dollars.”

“Hmm, this doesn’t seem like something we should be bragging about.”

“Too late, it already happened. We will now stop at Steak ‘n Shake every time we go to the States.”

“Yay us.”

~

White CastleWe were on the last leg of our journey when I saw a sign for the holy grail on the American fast food quest. That’s right, folks, it was a White Castle. When I pointed it out to my boyfriend, he actually made a hectic U turn, even though it was ten o’clock in the morning and we had just eaten breakfast at Cracker Barrel. That’s right, Cracker Barrel. After my very best attempt to fill my belly, I had not even managed to eat half of the pancakes on my plate and there was still baked apple slices in my bowl. The boyfriend, however, had scarfed down two eggs, an overly generous serving of hash browns, four slices of french toast and three pieces of bacon. He was so excited over White Castle, however, I didn’t have the heart to point out that he just ate the equivalent of two full breakfasts. Instead I readied the camera.

“Two burgers, please,” he ordered, practically hopping from foot to foot.

“And?” asked the woman behind the counter.

“Um, nothing else. Just two burgers.”

“You sure about that?”

“Yes, very sure. I’m not really hungry.”

“And what would you like?”

“Me?” I replied. “Nothing thank you, I just ate breakfast.”

“You sure?”

“I’m very sure.”

When Mark took his burgers, which were little sliders that looked exactly like the burgers I saw at Krystal, I snapped a few pics of him pointing at the burgers and then shoving one into his mouth. Then I walked around. Everyone else in the place had mini mountains of food in front of them. I read a newspaper clipping on the wall about a couple who were married at the White Castle. Believe it or not, it was the McDonald – Krystal wedding. I scanned the clipping but nowhere within it was this irony pointed out.

“How were your burgers?” I asked.

“Good and cheap.”

“Fantastic…”

~

When we arrived home, I almost immediately stepped on the scale.

“I gained six pounds over nine days!!! I didn’t eat half as much as you. This is so fucking unfair.”

The boyfriend stepped on the scale. “Hunh. I lost six pounds.”

“I repeat. So. Fucking. Unfair.”

“Awh, don’t worry baby. You’ll lose it in a few days but I’ll carry the weight of knowing exactly how much sub-par, fat-filled, artery-clogging, stroke inducing food I can eat in a nine-day period for an entire lifetime.”

“That’s true. At least I still feel healthy.”

“There you go,” he said, draping his arm across my shoulders. “You feel healthy and I feel like I spent three hours skinny dipping in a giant vat of grease that was just drained from a deep fryer. That has to count for something.”

The next day I woke up with food poisoning or something. I’ve been throwing up for three days, and yet I still have not managed to lose those six pounds.

So. Fucking. Unfair.

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13 Comments leave one →
  1. juliabarrett permalink
    January 12, 2013 6:40 pm

    Hilarious! I do love the story of your travel travails. Having been a vegetarian most of my life – and reintroducing meat again over the past two years I’ll tell you this – I’m down three sizes, from a 10 to a 6 – eating more, working out less. Of course I’m still not fond of hamburger and I do stick with local suppliers and grass fed meats.
    The latest research – sorry, this is an area my husband and I work in – seems to indicate protein, fat, and carbs from vegetable sources = good health and a skinnier body.
    Or you can go vegan and be super skinny. But vegans run an increased risk of cancer. No heart disease though.
    My husband was fond of White Castle as a kid. I’ve never ever eaten there.

    • January 13, 2013 4:47 pm

      I keep trying to go back to meat. I have started to eat fish occasionally but everything else is so…gross. 🙂 Vegan? No way. I have friends who are vegan and they are almost impossible to feed. 🙂

      Here’s something. On the White Castle menu, I saw chicken rings. They looked like onion rings except, well, they were chicken. Wow.

      • juliabarrett permalink
        January 13, 2013 7:10 pm

        Chicken rings? Now that is just plain weird. You know how I started my journey back to meat? When I was pregnant with my second it was either eat meat or get transfused. I refused transfusions so I drove 60 miles roundtrip to pick up Christie Creme cheeseburgers every day – two. Then I gave it up again after the pregnancy. A year ago – because my kids are omnivores, I started with bacon. Bacon does not taste like meat. It tastes like bacon. Baked it with black pepper and brown sugar.
        Then cautiously moved on to fish and ground chicken. Then chicken mole. Last – grass fed beef (marinated short ribs slow cooked all day) and locally raised lamb.
        Spending part of my time on a ranch in Montana where the cows live in freedom and the ranchers put the health of their herd before their own safety helped me see another side of things.

  2. January 12, 2013 9:28 pm

    Why is it that women always seem to pay for a man’s indulgences? One way or another….

    We don’t have any of the chains you mentioned in Australia, and I’m not sorry. Oh, except Starbucks, but most of them went bust and we seem to be down to about 15 stores in the entire country.

    • January 13, 2013 4:48 pm

      Really? That’s very interesting about Starbucks. I wonder why they do not do well there.

  3. January 13, 2013 3:22 am

    Hey D.C. Steak and Shake was on my list of must visits when I came home. For me it was the Cherry coke with the real cherry sauce they put in it. So yummy. The others, well, I am just happy you BF didn’t get massive intestinal issues from those places. So, what happen with you?

    • January 13, 2013 4:50 pm

      Okay, next time we go back I will try the cherry coke. I don’t drink pop often (unless it has booze in it) but that sounds like a must try.

      I thought at first that I had food poisoning because I was throwing up but it lasted so long and it was accompanied with back and muscle aches so I think I had a stomach flu. I should have gone to the doctor, I suppose.

  4. January 13, 2013 3:47 am

    Oh, food poisoning (or an intestinal bug) is the worst! Hope you feel better soon. Glad you made it home without further incident, though. 🙂

    • January 13, 2013 4:51 pm

      I know! I haven’t puked in, like, ten years! I forgot just how much it sucks.

      • January 15, 2013 5:23 am

        Ten years?!! How have you been so lucky?
        Although now that I think about it I haven’t had a stomach bug in several years. The last time I uh…lost it…was because of a really bad hypoglycemic migraine early last year. Rough patch in a serious diet change to take better care of my reactive hypoglycemia. Bleh.

  5. January 14, 2013 4:18 am

    I love that your travels are very much food-centric! Whenever my hubz + I get away from home, we love trying out new places to eat. To us that’s the most fun part of traveling! 🙂

    PS – glad you weren’t really food poisoned, but sorry to hear it might’ve been tummy flu. You feeling better now? Hope so! 🙂

    • January 14, 2013 5:04 pm

      Yeah, I don’t consider a vacation to be a real vacation unless I’ve accomplished two things: eaten something awesome and interacted with an animal of some sorts (dolphin watching, petting a tiger, feeding a lion, holding an alligator, etc.)

      I thought I was feeling better but I seemed to have relapsed. If my stomach is not back to normal, I will have to head to the doctor. Sigh.

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