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I Survived to Tell the Tale So You Better Damn Well Read About It…

January 27, 2013

baby showerI attended the most dreaded of social gatherings this past weekend. The baby shower. I usually skip these gawdawful affairs, as do most self-respecting, non-masochistic DINKs (Dual Income No Kids) but I happen to love the girl who is having this baby so I promised I would attend. In turn, she promised to supply plenty of wine at the shower.

So here are ten things that happened whilst I was at the baby shower.

1. My boyfriend dropped me off because he and my friend’s husband had made plans to go drink beer while the shower went down. Unfortunately, said husband had been sent out to run a couple of last minute party errands so my boyfriend was the only male in the house until he returned. About thirty bitches immediately started stage whispering things like, “Ohmigod, is he staying?” and “What is a man doing here?” and “Doesn’t she know she’s not allowed to bring a boy?”

2. I immediately sat in the wrong chair –  the chair of honour for the mom-to-be. It just looked like a normal chair with a couple balloons tied on it to me but apparently this was a super special chair, and anyone sitting on it who was not the mom-to be was subjected to gasps, eye-rolls and fervent whispers behind cupped hands. I moved somewhere else but guess what? The mom-to-be sat in this chair for like ten seconds and then moved to a more preferable seat. The balloon chair stayed empty for the rest of the afternoon.

3. I found out I was supposed to bring diapers. I didn’t realize this because I lost the invite about ten minutes after I got it so I didn’t have time to read all of the instructions. I sent my boyfriend out to go buy some. He came back with a box of 110 diapers in it. It dwarfed all of the other packages but whatevs, its not like they’re going to go bad, right?

4. The mother of the mom-to-be is such a lovely woman, and she worked very hard to make sure all of the guests were happy. When she asked if anyone would like a glass of wine, juice or pop, one woman in the corner loudly snarked, “Wine? What kind of shower is this?”. Her friend to the left huffed in judgmental discontent. One in which I plan to get very very drunk, I thought to myself but wisely did not say out loud.

5. We played games but they were all stupid so I didn’t win any of them.

6. When it came time to open the gifts, I realized I had grossly overdone it. See, for the last six months I have just been picking up stuff I thought was cute or useful – a couple of blankets, organic cotton onesies, pyjamas, Robeez, a dress, bibs, a plush toy, books, etc. – and the day before I attended the party I wrapped each item in bright pink wrapping paper, tossed them in a basket made of sea grass and slapped a bow on it. It was a very big basket. It was waaaaaay more than what anyone else had purchased. In addition, I picked out things that I knew my boyfriend would like to see the baby wearing, reading or playing with –  a rattle that looked like a dumbbell, baby Crocks, a soother with a mustache on it, a onesie that read Hi, I’m New Here, an Ugly Doll book and toy – and I wrapped them separately and attached the BF’s name to the package. The mom-to-be was happy but one of  the two girls who organized the party had a very pissed off expression on her face during the entire unwrapping process. Had I known I was about to commit such a major faux pas, I would have just given the gifts on a different day. Also, If I had read the invite before losing it, I would have known there was a registry. Thank goodness none of my gifts doubled what someone else had purchased.

7. Someone inevitably asked me, “Do you have kids?” I replied that I did not, which led to the statement, “Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll be next.”  I should have left it at that but I told her I did not plan on having kids any time soon. To which this super bitch responded, “I used to be like you. I never wanted to get married or have kids. I was so selfish.”

8. I was given a card to fill out for the baby. It said things like, I hope you learn______________, I hope you become___________, I hope you never_____________, I hope you grow______________, and I was supposed to fill in the blanks. That seems like a lot of pressure for a little baby. A bunch of bitches telling a kid what they expect of it before it’s even born.  So I filled in the blanks with stuff like, I hope you learn mad ninja skills. And I hope you grow a great set of cans. The mom-to-be and her mother laughed their asses off when they read my answers, and said they couldn’t wait to put it in the baby’s scrap book. The teetotallers in the back, however? Well let’s just say their eyes bugged out of the  heads so much that I suspect they each popped a blood vessel.

9. I finally won something. A number that matched the one given to me when I presented the diapers was drawn from a baby hat. Unfortunately, I had had enough by this point, and was stealthily hiding in a location I refuse to disclose so I didn’t hear my number being called and my prize went to someone else.

10. My boyfriend the dickhead was having so much fun drinking beer and playing pool, he did not pick me up at the specified time. Instead, the father-to-be called his wife to inform her that the BF and I were going to stay afterwards to watch movies and drink beer. I ended up being the last guest at the party. I HATE being the last guest at a party. I dealt with this by finishing off all of the wine after everyone else had left.

So those are just ten highlights from my friend’s baby shower. The point is that I survived it and you survived reading about it. Don’t you feel a little stronger now?

28 Comments leave one →
  1. tallulahrose permalink
    January 27, 2013 9:19 am

    Lol… I feel for you… honest I do…xx

  2. January 27, 2013 4:01 pm

    I hate those things, too. Glad you survived.

  3. g8postgrrl permalink
    January 27, 2013 4:01 pm

    I hate those things too, and bridal showers. Glad you survived.

  4. January 27, 2013 5:27 pm

    The whole baby shower thing hasn’t kicked off across the pond yet, thank God.

    • January 28, 2013 5:52 pm

      Wow, that is awesome! a land free of baby showers. It sounds like a magical place.

  5. juliabarrett permalink
    January 27, 2013 7:11 pm

    Oh poor you! I love kids, have three and would have had more if my husband had been willing, but I HATE baby showers and I hate wedding showers. And stupid games. I did not have a shower for any of my kids, just bought what I needed and I was happy with that. I think your gift ideas are great!
    I’m invited to a wedding shower in two weeks – trying desperately to get out of it.

    • January 28, 2013 5:53 pm

      If you don’t get out of it, make sure to at least get a good blog post out of it. 🙂

  6. January 28, 2013 12:42 am

    When I was pregnant, we invited women and men. Why should women be the only ones subjected to the torture. We didn’t do any of the games. We just hung out, had lunch, opened gifts, and we offered beer and wine. Why not?

    Personally, I don’t think not wanting to have kids is selfish. I think it’s smart not to have them if you know that you don’t want them. There are enough unwanted children in the world as it is. That’s not to say you wouldn’t make a great mom… if you chose to do that. However, it doesn’t mean you are deficient in anything if you don’t. You know you and you know what life you want. There’s nothing wrong with that.


    • January 28, 2013 5:56 pm

      My friend wanted to have her baby shower with both men and women invited but the girls organizing it put a stop to it.

      Thanks for the kind words!

  7. Stacey permalink
    January 28, 2013 12:58 am

    Your gifts were thoughtful and I’m sure you were a breath of fresh air!

    • January 28, 2013 5:58 pm

      Thank you and I hope so. I visited the baby’s room this week and most of the items I purchased seem to be prominently placed though out the room, so I’m feeling a little more confident about my choices.

  8. January 28, 2013 3:59 am

    Wow. That is like the bitchiest baby shower ever. I’ve been to a few with my mom and they’ve never been that bad!
    And why not have wine at the baby shower? The mom-to-be obviously knows she can’t drink it and it’s for everyone else.
    So sorry you had to experience that!

    • January 28, 2013 5:59 pm

      My friend is so awesome. I’m not sure how I ended up being her only cool friend. >:D

  9. January 29, 2013 2:46 am

    What a survival! I hate SHOWERS period. I’m a girly girl but its just too many woman. You know. Saw a tweet and the made me check you out. Enjoyed the post.

    • January 29, 2013 3:11 pm

      Thanks for stopping by, Kenya! I think all women secretly hate showers. We just hold and attend them out of obligation.

      • January 29, 2013 3:30 pm

        Personally, I think the baby shower should have been how the honoree wanted it, not how the people throwing it. It is for her benefit after all. Mine was at my mom’s house. Mom just did what I wanted. 🙂

  10. January 30, 2013 7:25 am

    Wow, sounds like you should get some sort of medal for not going postal on some of those guests. Glad you survived. It made a hilarious blog post. (you also made my husband choke on his coffee when I read it aloud to him. So thanks! 😀 )

    I didn’t have a bridal shower. My bachelorette party was TGI Fridays with two of my sisters (and an infant niece). We had so much fun at the restaurant we forgot about the movie we’d chosen to go see. lol

    When we finally get around to kids the baby shower guests will be a carefully chosen group of people I actually like. Had enough compromising in my life. If it’s a party for me anymore, it’d better be Fun!

  11. January 30, 2013 11:06 am

    I need to bookmark this so if I ever have to throw a baby shower for a daughter-in-law/mom-to-be, I’ll know what NOT to do! This sounds like torture, especially the fill-in-the-blank thingy! I’m sure your BF enjoyed every single item in that basket, and who cares what the others say anyway!

    • January 30, 2013 11:08 am

      I meant I’m sure your FRIEND enjoyed every item…argh…too early in the day for me to commenting!

  12. January 31, 2013 4:57 am

    What a fun post. Torture for you, but entertaining for us. I can’t believe how rude those woman were. There is nothing selfish about choosing not to have children. Makes me wonder if that b—- is actually resenting you your freedom.

  13. January 31, 2013 3:22 pm

    You would love Liberian baby showers – women and men of all ages attend and get very VERY drunk 😀

  14. christianfreyca permalink
    February 23, 2013 2:35 pm

    That word, ‘selfish’, as applied to not having children sends me straight around the bend. In fact I’d better stop now or I’m going to go off super-ranty. DAMN STRAIGHT I’M GOING TO BE SELFISH ABOUT IT.


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