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Suck It, I Won.

January 31, 2013

I wanted to name this post Suck It, Bitches but thought better of it for two reasons; 1) Many of my triberr peeps wouldn’t share the post – I’m on thin ice as it is – and 2) I was worried my awesome readers might get the wrong idea and Suck It, Bitches was directed at them.

With that said, to all the eye-rolling bitches at my friend’s baby shower from hell, well, you can just go ahead and suck it!

See, my awesome friend and her husband have asked my boyfriend and I to be her baby’s godparents. I personally think we should have been the natural and instant choice as god parents. Apparently it took many months of consideration on their part, however. They had to weigh the pros against the cons for us and the other candidates. Our pros consisted of items such as the following:

Obvious PROs

  • We are stable in our relationship
  • We have no major vices
  • We are financially stable, more or less
  • I work from home
  • We are (relatively) intelligent, value higher education and financial responsibility
  • We are open minded and believe strongly in equal treatment regardless of ethnicity, gender or sexual orientation
  • We get along well with all members of the mother-to-be’s family
  • We never plan on having children of our own so our god daughter would not be in jeopardy of becoming a second or third priority (this was a biggie for them)
  • We feel that travel and exposure to other cultures is an important learning tool at any stage in life

Obvious CONs

  • I promised to forgive my friend for having a baby only if she would let me feed it pop rocks within the first 13 months of her life.
  • My boyfriend and I don’t have any other close friends with kids and we have no desire to expand our social circle in this direction
  • I’ve never changed a diaper in my life
  • The only time I babysat an actual baby, who happened to be my one month old brother, I changed my mind one hour in because he spent that entire hour screaming at the top of his stupid lungs. I called my mother come home to, “look after the damn thing yourself.” Unfortunately, it  took six more phone calls, several threats and three more hours of a screaming demon baby before my mother finally decided to come home. Yeah, my jerk brother fell asleep five minutes before she walked through the door. I wanted to kill them both
  • My boyfriend told our friends that if the baby’s head was too round, they could probably reshape it in the first couple of weeks. He thinks he saw it on The Discovery Channel or something
  • When she sent me the 3D ultrasound image of the foetus, I immediately texted back, “Gross”. My boyfriend texted back, “What are you having, an alien child?”
  • I make kids who are acting up in public cry just by glaring at them. And I don’t feel guilty about it AT ALL

So after weighing the obvious and coming up pretty much even, and therefore undecided, they looked more carefully at the hidden pros. Like the fact that my friend is having a baby and as I was unsuccessful in my attempts to talk her out of it (I really, really tried), I instead decided to be as supportive as I could by helping her out at her coffee shop while she has to go to doctors appointments, switching from wine bars to movie theatres and other venues, going to her stupid baby shower, giving her the dress my great grandmother knitted for me when I was a baby, and telling her over and over that she is the most adorable pregnant woman who ever lived. Yup, these little things helped tip the scales in my favour. My boyfriend did his part as well.  He can fix or build anything and always tries to teach my brother these skills. My bro will have none of it but they like the idea that their children would have the opportunity to learn how to be self-sufficient on this level.

What turned out to be the kicker, however, was the incident that occurred right before their wedding. I planned a vacation to my home town prior to the big day. The boyfriend and I started our twenty hour drive home with plenty of time before the wedding but my grandfather had a heart attack when we were half way home. We drove all of the way back to my home town, cleaned out his fridge, cleaned his home, took his garbage to the dump, picked up my brother who was staying with him and drove twenty hours back to Toronto while my grandfather was helicoptered to Hamilton. We stopped at home, picked up our outfits and drove straight to the reception hall for the previously agreed upon time of exactly 9am, where we prepared the hall. When we were done, we slept in our vehicle for about an hour because we hadn’t actually slept in two days, then I went to a salon and had my hair done, changed in their washroom and we made it to the wedding on time without the bride and groom the wiser. Ta-dah! Yeah, I know. We’re the most awesome friends ever. Um…as long as we pretend that that time I turned down her request to be Maid of Honour because I didn’t want to throw a wedding shower never even happened.

UPDATE:
Holy fuck, I can’t believe wrote way instead of weigh in this post. I noticed my error and changed it right away. I still deserve to be a God Mother, right? Right?

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15 Comments leave one →
  1. juliabarrett permalink
    January 31, 2013 7:28 pm

    You do have the most unusual adventures. And I like Suck It Bitches. I would have posted. Reminds me of 30 Rock.
    How’s your grandfather?

    • February 1, 2013 2:05 am

      Grandfather is more than fine! He recovered from a quadruple bypass in record time, and got the numbers from a few cute nurses in the mean time. My gramps is a playa!

  2. mruttleysz permalink
    January 31, 2013 10:02 pm

    This is hilarious! Reads like an Augusten Burroughs short. I’ll be watching for more from you.

    Triberr rocks,
    Uttley

    • February 1, 2013 2:10 am

      I think I just peed a little. That is a bigger compliment than the review that said my erotica writing was like Janet Evanovich on steroids. In interest of full disclosure, however, had she wrote that my writing was like Janet Evanovich on ecstasy, this might be a tie…

  3. January 31, 2013 10:43 pm

    You crack me up. I would totally pick you to be a god parent to my daughter…she’d be a good candidate for you, she’s 19 now…almost a full person by most standards. She doesn’t like to clean, but she knows all the good swear words…

    • February 1, 2013 2:11 am

      Swear words are important. I fully intend to add that to my list of things to teach her.

  4. January 31, 2013 11:14 pm

    I was asked to be a god parent. It wasn’t until I was in the church being asked to solemnly swear that I believe in god and would teach the child in the ways of god that I wondered if I was really a good choice…

    Helpling a pregnant woman, I mean seriously helping her, will get you kudos for a very long time.

    • February 1, 2013 2:14 am

      This is where I’m lucky. I don’t think there will be a ceremony or anything. I’m just going to be obligated to take care of her in case of emergency and smother her with gifts at every holiday.

  5. February 1, 2013 1:09 am

    I would totally have shared ANY post called Suck It, Bitches.

  6. Ray Plasse permalink
    February 1, 2013 6:38 am

    >^O

  7. Ray Plasse permalink
    February 1, 2013 6:59 pm

    And a slight look of……….concern. 🙂

  8. February 2, 2013 4:03 pm

    I think it was the giant pile of individually wrapped shower gifts that might have tipped the scales. Now that’s attention to detail, and selfless at that!

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