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A Giant, Human Organs and Drunk Kids – Welcome To My Weekend

February 16, 2013

Lately it seems like every time I step out of my door, I’m off on a mini-adventure.

I went to a friend’s house for dinner and copious amounts of wine last night. On the way to her apartment, I saw the hugest mountain of a man I had ever seen in real life. I thought people of that size only existed in movies but there he was. I tried not to stare but I just had to be near him. Attempting to act casual and likely failing miserably, I slowly weaved my way through the rush hour patrons of Toronto’s fine public transit. I finally stood beside him and guess what? My forehead came to his elbow. I’m 5’4″, by the way. This giant actually had to duck his head to prevent himself from hitting the ceiling of the subway car. And he was a big dude with a menacing expression, too. Not some skinny guy like my bean pole of an ex-roommate, who stood at almost seven feet tall yet looked like he’d lose a fight against a litter of kittens. A seat opened up beside where he stood and I took it, marvelling at the fact that my forehead was now at the height of his thigh. A single thought popped into my head – that giant would wreck me!  That’s right, folks. I had dirty thoughts about the mean looking, super sized  man beside me.

I used to know a girl who had a serious thing for little people. Obviously her sexual fantasy scale tipped in the exact opposite direction of mine but, as the expression goes, whatever floats your boat. Well, not whatever floats your boat…There are limits. I once knew a girl who had a thing for Richard Simmons, the Sweatin’ to the Oldies guy. I’m pretty non-judgmental when it comes to other people’s sexy tendencies but that is just too far.

Anyway, I reluctantly left the subway at my stop and continued on my journey to my friend’s house. I had to walk slowly and carefully because her street was covered in a thick layer of ice and I, of course, wore heels. This is where I almost literally bumped into a guy carrying a very official looking white and red cooler with the words HUMAN ORGANS stamped across it. I let him pass, he nodded grimly, stepped into his car and drove away. So this was definitely not a turn on. It did, however, get me to wondering why this guy would be carrying human organs down a residential street with no hospital in sight. That’s when I noticed that it was a very empty residential street with bad lighting. Hurrying my step, I skidded and slipped the rest of the way to my friend’s apartment.

After enjoying a fabulous and healthy meal which we balanced out with two bottles of wine, I headed home. No giants on the subway, just a bunch of loud, drunk and annoying twenty something year-olds. Thankfully, they were at the opposite end of the street car. At least they started out that way. About five or six guys broke away from the pack. They kept moving seats, getting incrementally closer to me while I kept my nose in my book (Half-Blood Blues, by Esi Edugyan – excellent so far). Eventually they sat directly in front of me. I pretended to ignore them as they argued loudly about who was more awesome but I couldn’t help myself, I started to laugh when they began doing chin-ups on the metal bar in front of me. One of them fell, righted himself and then assured me he was very strong and fit, it was only  because he had been drinking that he fell. “I’m sure your stamina is ill-represented at the moment,” I responded, and then stepped off the subway as it was my stop. I’m not going to lie, folks, the cat calls and whistles that accompanied my exit boosted the old ego just a bit. But since I’m being completely honest, I’ll  tell you that  as I stepped off the subway, a single thought popped into my head – that giant would wreck them!

2 Comments leave one →
  1. juliabarrett permalink
    February 16, 2013 6:02 pm

    Showing off for you, honey. The giant– was he a professional basketball player? You have the Raptors there, right?

    • February 16, 2013 10:59 pm

      No, definitely not a raptor. This guy looked like he would deflate the ball if he attempted to catch it. I did run into Chris Bosh at a movie theatre once….this man was waaaaay taller that that.

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