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I Hate You, Facebook Finger

February 18, 2013

I don’t know why I keep friending family on Facebook. It’s so out of character for me because I don’t want to friend them, and I so rarely do shit that I don’t want to do. Just look at the state of my home and you will see way more evidence than you need to prove that fact. And yet when a Facebook friend request comes in, my finger hovers as I inwardly groan and tell myself not to do it. Don’t click the accept button, you damn mutinous finger. And then, of it’s own evil volition, my finger presses the button. Why why why when my hand operates independently of my brain and the good sense it has to offer, can’t it just pick up a Swiffer duster or something? Why can’t it leave my facebooking decisions alone?

If you’ve read my blog for a substantial length of time, you’ve already read about the little spat that occurred when my great aunt took offense to a potty-mouthed cartoon a dear friend posted on my wall. If you haven’t read it, here is the post, Trouble on Facebook. If you have read it, don’t worry, I haven’t had any more arguments since then. Well, none I plan to subject you to, anyway. What I am going to do, however, is post some of the shitty shit that I’ve had pop across my Facebook home page in the last little while. Le Sigh.

First up, the person who can let no good need go unnoticed.

facebook bragger

Dude, it’s not weird. It’s not even special. It’s called being a decent person, and you did what any decent person would have done in the same situation. The only difference is that after you did your good deed, you felt the need to announce to the world just how awesome you think you are, which only served two purposes: You made yourself look like an ass and you screwed up all of the good karma you would have had coming to you. Stop confusing Karma like this. She’s a bitch and she doesn’t like being messed with.

Next up, the angry person who can’t give anyone a break.

angry facebooking

Lady, I hate to see what happens to your emotional state if and when a real emergency occurs. Or, what your reaction will be if someone flips out like this when you inevitably make a tiny mistake. Oh wait, I forgot, you never make mistakes, which is why you lose it when you are forced to suffer the outcome of people’s imperfections.

Finally, I have the vaguebooker.

VaguebookingAre you upset? Did you have a fight with your boyfriend? Am I supposed to call you and talk you off of a ledge? …didn’t think so.


facebook finger

13 Comments leave one →
  1. juliabarrett permalink
    February 18, 2013 11:06 pm

    Wow. And to think I miss it all because I closed my FB account.

    • February 22, 2013 1:44 pm

      The boyfriend is thinking about closing his, too. He never goes on FB, has like eight friends because he can’t be bothered to accept friend requests, etc. I think the only reason his account is still active is because he doesn’t feel like logging in. šŸ™‚

  2. February 19, 2013 1:36 am

    Not to forget the person who wants to friend you so they can profess undying love, because of your picture and profile. Hey Bozo! My picture is of a 62 year old overweight woman. Get glasses or get a life.

    • February 22, 2013 1:46 pm

      I have only had that happen once but I think the guy was looking for a quickie marriage to get in the country. You are probably just one hot 62 year-old, babe. You should change your picture to something less adorable, like a baby sloth. šŸ˜‰

  3. February 19, 2013 2:39 am

    I don’t have a facebook and at this point, I probably never will. My husband recently de-friended (is that a word? O_o) everyone because of the posts he found inappropriate from younger people in his family. I never really understood why someone would friend someone just because you’re related. Do you normally talk to this person? If not, stick to the script.
    Jae Mac, I’m Just Sayin’…(Damn!)

    • February 22, 2013 1:48 pm

      I am one of those inappropriate people, probably. šŸ˜‰ Seriously, though, if he was offended, it was good he closed the account. He likely has to deal with aggravating people every time he steps out of the house. Why waste his free doing the same?

  4. February 19, 2013 4:25 am

    Pretty funny. I see all of these, too, and Mona — total LOL. Come on!

    • February 22, 2013 1:49 pm

      Yes, and there are sooooo many more types to deal with on FB. Maybe even enough for a follow up post… šŸ˜€

  5. thevixenfiction permalink
    February 19, 2013 3:06 pm

    Lol… I am virtually friendless on FB because I decided I did not want to hook up with people I never interacted with.

    I solved the Great Aunt problem (note I am the Great Aunt and far to0 old to be writing Erotica – It doesn’t go down well) by having a separate account.

    • February 22, 2013 1:50 pm

      Thank goodness I have a separate account, too. My aunt Shirley’s head would spin around and explode if she saw half the shit I write on my erotica account.

  6. February 19, 2013 6:45 pm

    I’m on Facebook but rarely use it apart from posting links to blog posts.
    I kind of wish FB and bebo and all those things had never been invented.

  7. February 20, 2013 3:11 am

    I feel your pain, sweetheart! After recent run ins with my own family — people that I’m close to, not distant relatives with whom I seldom speak — I realized I would simply have to make some choices. If I had it my way, I’d deep-six FB altogether, but my hubz keeps saying we gotta have a presence for my blog (whatever, dude). So… I don’t read anyone’s bullshit updates on my personal account, which I only keep because I need it for my blog’s FB page. If I do post anything on my personal account, it is sweetness and light and not controversial because heaven forbid anyone disagree on stuff and I don’t like getting yelled at one my own stupid wall. I take all my anger and frustration and cursing and REAL feelings over to my blog’s FB page, and it has worked out pretty well. The only trouble I get into is when I accidentally post something on the wrong page, lmao!!! Or when I post something that I thought was harmless and suddenly I get called an idiot by my cousins and cut off from other family members who can’t just use their grownup words to say, “Can we talk about that sometime, cuz it bothered me?” And now I’ve just stolen your FB rant and made it my own. Sorry, love! Like I said, I feel your pain!!! šŸ˜¦

    PS – haha – I’m sharing this on FB! Oh, the irony…

    • February 22, 2013 1:53 pm

      I’ve had similar issues with Facebook. Some people just look for a reason to battle, don’t they? BTW, I love your blog and all of its rants.

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