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When Friends Have Babies, I Know How to Act. Or I Don’t. Whatever.

February 23, 2013

improofmommyputsoutYes, well my friend went and had her baby. We My boyfriend promised them the dad that we’d visit the new parents in the hospital so off we went. We fought heavy, snow laden traffic. The boyfriend had plenty of time during the ride to remind me to pretend to like babies. He kept saying things like, don’t make that face you make when babies cry and don’t tell your friend, “I told you so” when she complains about how hard the birth was” and please don’t be a bitch. Like I’m some sort of idiot who doesn’t know how to fake a non-sexual orgasm. And besides, I’m the bitch? This is coming from the guy who has no qualms visiting a chick who just pushed a miniature human out of her kooch, effectively wasting the last few moments of calm/sleep she’ll have for about eighteen years.

Anyway, we arrived at the hospital and I steeled myself to begin spewing niceties for mother and baby. Now, usually my good friend can see through any feigned enthusiasm I bother to muster (like at her baby shower) but my hope was that the epidural/new mom high would not have completely worn away by the time I got there, and that it would make her soft or at least a little slow. I pasted a smile on my face and walked in the room.

Me: Hey new mama, you look….hey, wow. You look gorgeous.

New Mama: Uh-huh. I look hotter than hell, I bet.

Me: No, seriously. And I have all of these fake compliments that I’ve been practicing. I guess I’ll save them for when that weird new-mom-glow wears off.

New Mama: Could you? That would be awesome. Maybe tell me I’m the hottest MILF at her first birthday party.

Me: Yeah, I don’t think that glow will last a whole year.

New Mama: So you want to hold her or what?

Me: Hold her? Hells no.

New Mama: You have to, you’re the Godmother. Those are the rules. I didn’t tell you before because I wanted you to say yes first.

*New Daddy hands me the baby*

Me: Holy shit, look at you. You’re not ugly! (I’m not sure what happened here but for some reason my voice did this funny cooing thing. I sounded like a cross between a pigeon and a mentally slow five year old).

New Mama: I know, right? She’s beautiful.

Me: I was so worried that she was going to be an uggo.

New Mama: Me too! I still would have loved her but I wouldn’t have loved her, you know what I mean?

Me: Absolutely. Now take her back.

New Mama: Nope, she just fell asleep. You’re stuck with her for a little while.

Me: *sigh* She’s lucky she’s cute.

So we chatted for a while. Among other things, she told me all about how painful the birth was, and how she had to get three epidurals because the first two did not “take”. Of course I said, “I told you so. That’s the sort of thing that happens when you decide to go around having babies.” Eventually the baby woke up and started screaming, reminding me why I don’t like them very much. I made a face and gave it back to mom. Then some relatives showed up. They were loud and way too emotional, which meant it was my cue to leave.

Me: Oh, before I go, I got you a present.

New Mama: Ooh, what is it?

Me: Ass wipes. Welcome to motherhood.

New Mama: You’re such a bitch.

Me: Love ya!

New Mama: Love ya, too, bitch!


And my boyfriend thinks I don’t know how to behave. I’m pretty sure he owes me an apology.





5 Comments leave one →
  1. February 27, 2013 12:50 am

    Awww…heart-warming! BTW, who said sleepless nights end after they turn 18?

  2. February 28, 2013 5:02 am

    “You’re not ugly.” *snort*

    • February 28, 2013 5:17 am

      The boyfriend rolled his eyes when I said that but the friend totally understood. 😀


  1. Because I Hate You by guest @RhiannonPaille

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