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There’s Worse Problems to Have, I Guess

February 26, 2013

alcohol happy bunnyI know from vast and repeated experience that consuming too much alcohol can be a bad thing. I also know from vast and repeated experience that simply having too much alcohol can be, well, not necessarily a bad thing but it is an annoyance. I am suffering from what I refer to as the February Overflow.

February Overflow is a combined result of hosting one or two parties over the holidays, several friends skipping out on the Canadian winter in favour of tropical climates, and Christmas. Every year the results are more or less the same but this year seems to be especially bad. My liquor cabinet has overflowed to the point that it looks like it has vomited bottles of alcohol all over its surrounding area. When I did a quick inventory check on Friday, I found the results especially disturbing.

On the floor in front of my liquor cabinet is the following:

2 bottles of Ouzo (who the fuck drinks Ouzo in this day and age?)

1 bottle of port

4 bottles of rum – one from Dominican, one from Cuba, one spiced and one coconut

1 bottle of Canadian Club

1 bottle of rose wine

1 bottle of cab merlot

Under my liquor cabinet I have 9 bottles of various wine

On top of my liquor cabinet I have:

4 bottles of tequila – Patron, Don Julio, Sauza silver, some top shelf stuff I’ve never heard of from someone’s Mexican vacation)

1 bottle of Grey Goose

1 bottle of Chardonnay

1 bottle of mint mocha Kahlua

1 bottle of Kahlua

1 bottle of Moet

1 bottle of Chambord

1 bottle of Crown Royal

1 bottle of Crown Royal Black

Inside of my liquor cabinet I have about 25-30 bottles of various types of booze, many of them repeats of what’s listed above.

In other words, I am overrun.

I was supposed to go to some fancy scmancy Oscars party this weekend (in no way associated to the actual Oscars, obv), complete with dressing up, walking a little red carpet and filling out ballots. Unfortunately I had overdone it on Friday and Saturday, I felt bloated, my hair wouldn’t do what I wanted, blah, blah, blah, excuse, excuse. I cancelled my reservations and hatched a plan. I invited a few friends (whom I know have no lives so they would be able to come over last minute) to my place. My strategy was to put a dent in the rum first since I am not at all fond of the stuff and the four floor bottles  combined with what was inside the cabinet equaled a total of nine fucking bottles of rum! Also, I didn’t think I could pawn off the Ouzo that easily.

I told my friends to under no circumstances bring alcohol or they would be turned away at the door. Next, I went to the grocery store and picked up pineapple juice, orange juice, 7 Up, pineapple and other fruit. I spent the night making tropical drinks for my guests, eating entirely too many Twizzlers and watching Seth MacFarlane fuck up the Oscars. Don’t get me wrong, I thought he did a great job but I just knew that had I tuned into to Twitter, I would have read skewering comments.

So the results are in and frankly I’m disappointed in my friends. I am down from nine bottles of rum to six. There were, like, five of us there!  I hope they all get sugar hangovers, those teetotalling bastards.

By the way, in writing this post, I think I many finally understand the term white people problems.

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9 Comments leave one →
  1. February 26, 2013 7:42 am

    Nice job, with this post! It was too much fun to keep to myself, so I read it to my husband. He informed me that he likes ouzo. He says It’s made out of coffee. So it’s kind of a duh that he would like ouzo. My man would do just about anything for his first cup of coffee in the morning. lol

    • February 26, 2013 1:31 pm

      Hmm…so if I added it to my morning coffee, it would almost be like drinking a Red Eye but with more potential to put me in a good mood…Nice.

  2. February 26, 2013 5:18 pm

    Jesus – that is a hell of a lot of alcohol. I’ll take the bottle of rose wine off your hands, please.

    • February 27, 2013 3:40 am

      AND I found a few more bottles that my bf stuffed between the wall and the cabinet! Insane. Which rose? Apparently, I have a lovely Featherstone and two bottles of (my fav) Ladybug by Malivoire. At least I know I can polish that off in an evening this summer… 😉

      • February 27, 2013 1:14 pm

        I’ll take either 🙂

  3. February 26, 2013 10:46 pm

    I wish I had friends who drink.

    • February 27, 2013 5:31 am

      I could pawn some of more obnoxious ones off on you but I have the feeling you’d just give ’em back.

  4. February 27, 2013 11:31 pm

    Yeah those are white people problems. LOL I have never heard of anyone regardless of their race having that much alcohol in their house and to that all I can say is **CHEERS**
    Jae Mac, I’m Just Sayin’…(Damn!)

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