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It’s Probably Better If She Doesn’t Know…

March 25, 2013

My MIL saw a picture of me wearing a T-shirt with a 50’s style white guy on it that says, “I noticed that you’re gangster…I’m kinda gangster myself”. I had to explain to her that the reason it is funny is because I am not, in fact, gangster. “Oh,” she replied. “I get it.” I could clearly see that she did not get it, and was now worrying about who, exactly, her dear Irish-Catholic son was caught up with. This is not the first time she has tried to hide her misgivings about my potential naughtiness, and just how that naughtiness may affect her son. Just check out this unfortunate tale about why my MIL thinks I’m a perv.

Oh, lovely lady, I’ve known your once pure and cautious son since high school and in that time I’ve corrupted him in so many deviant and debauched ways – I’ve cajoled him into a quickie or two in barely concealed public places, I’ve vacationed with him in Thailand (and I don’t even want to get into the misadventures we managed over there), I’ve inadvertently gotten your poor dear child so drunk he disappeared for four hours only to be found passed out behind some bushes two neighborhoods away, which is what he gets for trying to keep up with me. He’s followed me through the urban mazes of Hong Kong, through locking metal doors heavily guarded by mean-looking guards carrying guns just so I could buy a fake Prada that I never wear because, you know, it’s fake. He’s beta read both hetero and gay sex stories that I have written and I’ve turned him onto to my past time of thieving pint glasses from bars.  I’ve distracted him while driving (wink, wink), I’ve ruined more of his ties than even I care to admit, and I’ve even somehow cajoled him into singing karaoke in public.

Yes, I’ve done all of the above and more but I promise you, I have no intent to turn him into a gun toting gangster. I may however, be secretly plotting to get him a tat or two or three or four…Maybe even one of my name  just for the added thrill level attached to making a bad and oh so permanent decision. Oh, and at some point in our lives, I may just decide to talk him into a threesome with another guy. Preferably on vacation somewhere tropical just to up the heat level. While I’m not fully committed to that yet, I definitely plan  for us to explore jungles, beaches and as much of the unknown as possible, even if it puts our lives at risk, just for the sake of a good story.

My wonderful, kind Mother-in-Law, let me sum up by promising that while I will never sink to the gritty, sleazy level of, say Ke$ha or that Dirty video by Christina Aguilera, I do fully intend to supply as much entertainment, spontaneity and craziness as he can handle. Which, by the way, is a LOT. Like way more than I ever would’ve guessed when I met that skinny, goofy, smart ass fifteen year-old in high school twenty years ago, and talked him into (for the first time ever) skipping class to go to the beach and get high on pot and candy.

gangster t-shirt

5 Comments leave one →
  1. March 25, 2013 9:33 pm

    Your posts always make me laugh.

  2. March 28, 2013 1:20 am

    Speaking as the mother of two grown sons (who corrupted their father), I agree — I’d rather not know! 🙂

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