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TMI: You (and by you, I mean someone) Asked, I Answered

April 25, 2013

The lovely Keith Michelle has tagged me in one of those posts where you have to answer a bunch of questions about yourself. I’m always up for a conversation about moi, so of course I am game to participate. Here goes…
1. Last beverage:
My last beverage was toasted walnut tea by David’s Tea. If this sounds fancy to you, that’s because it is. I have no qualms walking four blocks and shelling out three dollars for a cup of David’s tea. My brother bought me a whole bunch of David’s Tea for Christmas this past year, and was a very smart move on his part. I was getting to the point where I felt like our relationship had come to an impasse. He’s fifteen years old – that awkward and annoying stage where they are still too young to do anything remotely fun or borderline illegal with you and at the same time their condescending and bitchy attitude is in full swing. I was just about to tell him that we’d had a good run but maybe we should take a break until he’s nineteen or thirty or so. Then he goes and gives me David’s tea for Christmas. Obviously there is a decent human being lurking in their somewhere so I’m going to try to stick it out for the next few years. Or at least until next Christmas.
2. Last phone call:
My mortgage agent, unfortunately. On one hand, I feel so grown up because my investment condo is closing. On the other hand, I can’t find my 2011 NOA, I have no recollection of whether I put fifteen or twenty percent down, no, my 2012 taxes are no completed yet and no they won’t be completed within the next four days, I had to ask he what the fuck is a Job Letter, and can anyone please give me a straight answer on whether or not I have to pay 13% HST? Can’t someone else just handle all of this stress for me while I hide under my covers, drinking wine from a bottle?
3. Last text message:
Fine, I’ll do it but you’re a fucking asshole.
4. Last song you listened to:
When I Was Your Man by Bruno Mars.

I like this song, and not just because my boyfriend hates it, although that aspect does appeal to me. He gets so mad every time I play it. “You hate whiny men, you hate love ballads! Why the fuck do you like this song…Besides the fact that I fucking hate it?” he always asks me. To which I reply, “Shhh, stop talking during the song, baby. It’s so annoying.” Then he usually blows his top, accusing me of liking it only because he hates it. “Boy, you have some ego,” I respond. “Do you think your opinion is so important to me that I base all of my music choices on it?”He answers, “Not all your music choices. Just this one!” And so on and so forth. It is a great way for a dysfunctional couple such as us to waste ten minutes or so.

5. Last time you cried:
Holy hell, I cry over the news, youtube videos, commercials…Over pretty much any dumb thing. I probably cried yesterday but I can’t remember what trivial event set me off. I do, however, remember crying recently over this particular video:

6. Dated someone twice:
Nope, never. I have, however, dated the same person four or five time. Ah, to be young and stupid! I look back on that time fondly.
7. Been cheated on:
Oh sure. When I was twelve, I caught my boyfriend kissing my best friend.
8. Kissed someone & regretted it:
I’ve had entire relationships that I regretted, and of course there was kissing involved. So I guess, yes, I’ve indirectly regretted kissing a jackass or two.
9. Lost someone special:
Duh. Who hasn’t lost someone special?
10. Been depressed:
There was the time I caught my boyfriend kissing my best friend…
15. Made a new friend?
I’ve made about twelve new friends this year. I might even keep one of them.
16. Fallen out of love?
Nope. If I had, you would have read about it on my blog.
17. Laughed until you cried?
I doubt my boyfriend and I would still be together if we didn’t make each other laugh until we cry at least once a week.
18. Met someone who changed you?
Not this year. I do plan to hire a book keeper next year, though, so fingers crossed.
19. Found out who your true friends were?
Why do I feel like this is a trick question?
20. Found out someone was talking about you?
I’ll be honest here. I just assume everyone is talking about me all of the time. I am way too much fun to not be talked about. 😉
21. Kissed anyone on your fb friend’s list?
As of yet the boyfriend and I have not unfriended each other so the answer is yes.
22. How many people on your fb friends list do you know in real life?
I know almost all of my friends on my real Facebook page but practically none on my author facebook page.
24. Do you have any pets?
A well behaved dog and a bitchy, epileptic cat.
26. What did you do for your last birthday?
I partied it up in old folks home. Like a boss.
27. What time did you wake up today?
Ten AM. Because I can.
28. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Reading The Dinner by Herman Koch. I forgot until yesterday that this was my book club’s selection of the month. We’re meeting tonight but luckily it was an easy read so I am all caught up.
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for?
Two things; The Great Gatsby movie and Exploring Diabetes With Owls by David Sedaris. It hit book stores yesterday so I picked up my copy but I had to read The Dinner first.
30. Last time you saw your Mother:
Tuesday night. We went shopping for my brother’s birthday gift and then had dinner at Ikea. No, I did not buy my brother his 16th birthday gift from Ikea. My mom was pretty sure he would not appreciate an unassembled Swedish dinette set as a birthday present. Or on any other special occasion for that matter.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life?
The one thing, huh? Okay, I wish I did not have such a messy home.
32. What are you listening to right now?
The Lumineers.
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?
Is there anyone in North America who hasn’t talked to a Tom? Seriously, who is crafting these questions? Seriously, I want to know.
34. What’s getting on your nerves right now?
I am thinking about my friend Tom’s man boobs and that’s bugging me. I mean, I don’t care if he has man boobs, I just don’t want to think about them.
35. Most visited webpage:
Other than the obvious Twitter, Facebook, my blog admin page, blah blah blah, I have been spending a lot of time on Lorca Damon’s NOT the Lorca Damon page for YA readers!
37. Nicknames:
D.C. (duh)
38. Relationship Status:
Practically married although I don’t see no ring on this finger.
39. Zodiac Sign:
40. He or She?
Wait. Are you asking me if I’m a he or a she, or are you asking me if I prefer a he or a she?
41. Elementary?
A school that doesn’t exist anymore.
42. Middle School?
I’ve blocked that school from my mind. Sorry.
43. High School?
Yes, I did go there.
44. Hair Color?
Light brownish blondish.
45. Long or short?
Long. We’re still talking about my hair, right?
46. Height:
5’ 4” barefoot. Add another four inches on there when I’m wearing shoes.
47. Do you have a crush on someone?
Oh yes. I have a crush on both Robert Downey Jr. and Jason Statham. I like to imagine myself (about ten pounds lighter, of course) in a threesome in which both RDJ and JS are not afraid of a little man on man action.
48: What do you like about yourself?
I like how I think.
49. Piercings?
Ears and belly button. Although I’ve since taken the belly button out.
50. Tattoos?
Yeah, I got a few of those. I plan to get another but I’m waiting until after I’m married because I don’t want it to be in my wedding photos. I was just going to go ahead and do it last year because I didn’t think the marriage thing was ever going to happen –we’ve been together for seven years and have never bothered to make it official – but the boyfriend’s feelings were hurt. He was convinced the tattoo meant I never planned on marrying him. In order to put his mind at ease, I told him I would put it off for a few more years.
51. Righty or lefty?
Right. And I admit this with great disappointment and self-loathing. When I was a kid I always wanted to be left-handed because I thought it was different. I also wanted red hair and glasses.
52. First surgery?
53. First piercing:
When I was eleven my mom took me to get my ears pierced. But she has a thing about watching holes get punched through people’s flesh so she had to stand outside while I did it. Then she cried into a peanut buster parfait at Dairy Queen because her daughter was, and I quote, growing up too fucking fast! Wahhhhh.

54. First best friend:
As a kid, I always had about twelve best friends, each of whom I loved for different reasons. One of them was super tall, one of them was super pretty, one of them owned a tree house, etc. For that reason, I cannot recall my first best friend. I can, however, recall my first nemesis. We hated each other with a passion. She hated me because my grandmother worked at the Kresge’s so I always had an enviably vast collection of slightly damaged toys, and because I had a mom and she didn’t (yeah, sad, I know but your sympathy would dry up if you had had the misfortune of meeting this demon child). I hated her because she was mean and would further desecrate my collection of damaged toys. I also recall hating her because she was a big doodoo head.
55. First sport you joined?
Organized sport? Basketball. I fucking rocked in basketball.
58. First pair of trainers?
Nike Cross Fits. Like a boss.

59. Eating
Twizzlers. Don’t judge me, what I eat for breakfast is my prerogative.
60. Drinking
Timothy’s Columbian Exellencia coffee straight from my one cup coffee maker. This Keurig contraption has changed my life in so many ways. Like, turning me into an unbearable coffee snob and rendering me a complete idiot who keeps on going out and buying their machines even though they break about once per year. I’m on my third Keuring machine, people, and these things aren’t cheap.
61. I’m about to
Meet a couple of my friends at a Foxy sample sale. I’m going there under the pretence of purchasing Mother’s Day gifts but in my heart I know I will spend gobs on gifts for myself.
62. Listening to
I just fucking answered that in question 32. Seriously, I’m beginning to think that answering random, inconsequential, overly personal questions posed by a complete stranger whom I will likely never ever meet is a waste of my time.
63. Waiting for
My newest Keurig to break down. I’ve had it for about three months now so I’m sure it will be any day.
64. Want kids?
The hell you say. NO. Just no.
65. Get Married?
Apparently. Otherwise my arm has been tattoo-free for a year now for no good reason.
66. Career?
Yes, I have a couple of those.
67. Lips or eyes?
Eyes. Unless they’re ugly, in which case a good set of lips can make up for that.
68. Hugs or kisses:
Can’t we just skip all the kissey-huggie crap and get to the naughty stuff?
69. Shorter or taller:
The taller the better.
70. Older or Younger:
I’ve only dated men older so I can’t fairly answer this without trying a few twenty-something year olds, now can I? *Mental note – Add screwing twenty year-old men to my bucket list.* *Mental note 2 – Never show boyfriend bucket list.*
71. Romantic or spontaneous:
Spontaneous. Except I hate surprises. The only thing I hate more than surprises are overly romantic gestures.
72. Nice stomach or nice arms:
73. Sensitive or loud:
74. Hook-up or relationship:
As mentioned, my boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for a while. It’s been going well so far, and I appreciate everything we have. What I really love, though, is when we randomly hook up with each other.
75. Trouble maker or hesitant:
Trouble? Hesitant? Nope.
76. Kissed a stranger:
Yes, I have. When I was a teenager, my girlfriends and I would hang out at the Scarborough Town Centre food court and try to look as cool as humanly possible. One time, there was a group of boys doing the same thing, except they were flaunting their coolness by picking on one member of their group. He was obviously the odd man out – skinny, not very attractive, trying way too hard with his choice of clothing and tilt of his hat. His “friends” kept berating him and trying to push him into talking to girls. He was obviously very shy and, when his friends kept pointing at me and shoving him in my direction, the poor guy turned beet red and stared at the floor like a hole for him to crawl into might magically appear.
My group decided to leave and when we walked past them, the guys shoved the skinny kid in my direction. He sort of tripped, I caught him and before he had time to recover I gave him a long and very passionate kiss. His friends all stopped talking – or moving, for that matter. They just sort of stood there frozen, staring at us.
When I ended the kiss, I popped his collar and walked away.
“I love you!” he shouted to my retreating back.
“I love the way you kiss, baby” I responded with a wink.
I totally don’t regret that.
77. Drank till you passed out:
This question is stupid. See, as adults we don’t drink until we pass out. We do, on occasion, drink until the room is spinning and we realize it’s time to go to bed. Then our wonderful boyfriend puts his arm around us to gently guide us to our bedroom where he helps us undress and don our comfiest flannel p.j.’s.
78. Lost glasses/contacts:
There was that one fateful night when I fell into Lake Ontario after a bolt fell out of the pontoon water bicycle I was riding and the fucking thing toppled over. When I emerged from the frigid, inky black waters, my eight hundred dollar, one of a kind, hand-made in Paris prescription glasses did not emerge with me. Fortunately, I had imbibed just enough alcohol that I didn’t notice anything was amiss until four hours later. Quite a feat considering I can’t see three feet beyond my nose.
79. Sex on first date:
No, I can’t say I’ve done that. I did once, however, have sex with someone I wasn’t, and had no intention of ever dating. It was hot.
80. Broken someone’s heart:
Oh yes, I’ve done that. One of my dating idols, a friend of mine who is about twenty years older than me, once told me that the kindest thing you can do to a guy is break up with him in the meanest way possible. That way they can focus on how big of a bitch you are and how they are happy to be rid of you instead of moping around and blowing out of proportion all of the good times you’ve had together.

81. Had your own heart broken?
Sure, I suppose.
83. Turned someone down:
Yes, of course. I’m not going to date every yahoo who tells me he’d like to see me naked.

84. Cried when someone died:
I cry when people I don’t know die. I cry when fictional characters in books and movies die. I cry when someone else’s pet dies. This question is dumb.
85. Fallen for a friend:
Nope, never. (I write so I can piss off my boyfriend should he ever decide to read my blog)
86. Yourself:
Um. Yes, I believe I do exist.
87. Miracles:
88. Love at first sight:
Sure, for other people. It’s not my bag, though.
89. Heaven:
90. Santa Claus:
My boyfriend dresses up as Santa every year. He does it so that I can get a picture of my epileptic cat sitting on Santa’s lap. Then he shoos away the cat and we recreate the sex scene from Badder Santa. I love Christmas.
91. Kiss on the first date:
Hells yes.
92. Angels:
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY: (because up until now I’ve been faking it?)
93. Had more than one bf/gf?
At the same time or sequentially?
94. Is there one person you want to be with right now?
See answer 47.
95. Did you sing today?
Of course. I’ve been listening to the Lumineers all day. Duh.
96. Ever cheated on somebody?
Yes, I suppose. It was completely by accident, however.
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go, and why?
I would like to visit the 1920’s for about a week or so.
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be?
That depends. I’m much thinner now than I was last year. Can I relive it in my current body? If so, I want to relive the time I spent lying in the sand like a beached whale.
99. Are you afraid of falling in love?
Been there done that. It’s not so scary once you get used to it.
100. Posting this as 100 truths?
Is this an open ended or a yes/no question. I don’t get it.

So now comes the point when I’m supposed to pick out 25 other people to fill out these questions but, holy hell, it took me forever to answer them! I’m not even listening to The Lumineers anymore, my coffee has gone cold and I’m late to meet my friends at the Foxy Sample Salre. How about I just leave it up to you folks? If you want to copy, paste, delete my answers and fill out your own, be my guest. I promise to read them if you send me the link.

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