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The Voodoo That You Do, Lulu

May 18, 2013

I’ve been on a bit of a weight loss kick for the past year and a half. Not so much that I’ve completely cut out the fries and vegetarian gravy, and of course I haven’t given up the occasional glass bottle of wine or two. I’m not a health freak, after all, just trying to be, you know, healthier. What I have done has worked well enough but I’ve reached an impasse. I don’t think it would be possible for me to lose anymore weight without developing a workout plan or some sort of an eating disorder. I mentioned the more appealing option to my boyfriend.

“I’m thinking of developing some sort of an eating disorder.”

“Oh yeah? Which one?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe one of the weird ones, like I only consume things that are white.”

“You’d have to switch from red wine to white. I don’t think you could handle that.”

“Plus I’d be stuck with a lot of dairy. I hate dairy.”

“I think you should just skip the whole eating disorder plan. You’re thin. How much more weight could you lose?”

“But I’m not fit!”

“You’ll have to work out to get fit.”

“The hell you say.”

“We have two gyms in our building. Why don’t you just go to one of those?”

“All the girls there are so skinny! Every time I try to go, I just glare at those fit bitches and walk out.  They know how to use the equipment and everything.”

“If you just stopped trying to wearing my gym clothes, you’d fit in with them. Go buy clothes that aren’t three sizes too big for you.”

“You want me to own gym clothes? I am not the type of girl who walks around in sweat pants.” sigh “It’s like you don’t even know me.”

“Go to that hula hoop lemon place and get some gym clothes that make you feel good about your body. Trust me, it will work.”

I was not convinced, so I asked my swimming partner. She’s quite fit so I was hoping she might have a better plan than owning stupid workout clothes and going to the gym.

“My boyfriend told me I need to start working out.”

“That asshole!  Tell him he’s the one that needs to work out.”

“He does? I thought he was in great shape.”

“That’s not the point. Where does he get off calling you fat? It’s not even true!”

“Okay, maybe I should start over. I want to get fit. He told me I couldn’t do that by switching to white wine. He said I have to go to the gym but I’m hoping you have some better ideas.”

“I used to be a tennis instructor in Paris. Do you want me to teach you how to play tennis?”

“I feel like I already know a lot about tennis. I sit out on my balcony and drink red wine while watching people play a lot.”

“Well good then you already have a head start.”

“Okay, I’ll learn how to play tennis. I guess I’ll have to go buy a racket.”

“And proper clothing. You can’t wear your boyfriend’s sweats. You’ll trip.”

“God dammit.”

So that’s how I ended up at lululemon. I felt so uncomfortable walking in because everyone in the store was already wearing work out clothes, and they all looked totally fit, those bitches. A beautiful blond woman asked if she could help me find something.

“Um. Work out gear?” What the fuck else would I be looking for?

“Yeah but what kind? Yoga? Running? Cross-training?”

“I dunno. I want to play tennis. And maybe go to the gym once I’m fit enough.”

She gave me a quizzical look but said nothing as she directed me towards the back of the store. With her help, I blew three hundred dollars on one pair of pants, one pair of shorts, two tank tops with sports bras built in and a head band. I did not plan on buying so much but some sort of magical transformation happened in that change room. A somewhat in-shape woman walked into that cubicle and a totally fit-looking, tanned woman walked out (the saleswoman explained that the neon green colour of the shirt makes someone with even a slight tan look like a golden goddess).

Holy shit, I love these clothes. They are so comfortable! I almost walked out of the store to wander the Eaton Centre in those track pants. That’s right folks, for a moment I wanted to be one of those girls – you know, the ones who walk around wearing lululemon when they pretend that they are going to or coming from a work out.

I went for my first tennis lesson, which was totally fun, except for the part where my coach and I knocked heads and both ended up sprawled out on the court. Okay, I’m lying. The part where we knocked heads and ended up sprawled out on the court was the funnest part. After the lesson we went swimming. On the way to the pool, we stepped onto the elevator with two good looking guys who were headed to the gym, on the same level as the pool. I could tell the guys were checking me out, which made me feel confident enough to put on the outfit again after swimming and sneak into the gym, where I worked out on the elliptical machine for about half an hour. I didn’t actually know how to turn the machine on but someone helped me set it to some lower body endurance mode.

So here I am sitting on my couch still wearing my workout clothes. I do have to take them off before the boyfriend gets home, though. I’m not yet ready for him to know he was right.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. May 20, 2013 12:40 am

    I guess I should go shopping before I the gym. Trying to get back in shape and I joined a gym, two weeks ago, I still haven’t gone. haha.

    • May 20, 2013 1:31 pm

      I honestly thought I would just wasting a bunch of money on more shit I didn’t need. I’ve tried on work out clothes before – I used to do yoga four times a week so I needed yoga pants – but I always felt so dumpy in them. These clothes, however, made quite a difference. And they’re so comfortable it’s like you HAVE to go work out just so you have an excuse to wear them. 🙂

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