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And a Slimy Saleswoman is Born

June 21, 2013

slimy salespersonYup, apparently I’m a slimy salesperson. It’s not something I’m proud of but, at the same time, I’m kinda proud. It’s such a departure from my regular self and it was (sort of) for a good cause.

See, my best friend had a baby a while ago and as part of her baby gift I have been working at her coffee shop a couple shifts per week for free while she’s on mat leave. Then she decided to simply shut down the store so I’m finally off the hook (phew!). It was my last shift yesterday and my goal was to help her push last of her remaining stock in the pushiest way I know how. And apparently I am beyond pushy when I set my mind to it. Here are a couple examples:

Customer: I’d like an apple cake.

Me, opening the pastry case and arbitrarily choosing a lemon square: We’re out of apple cake. You will have to have a lemon square.

Customer: Oh, okay.


Customer: I’d like a peach Italian soda.

Me, noticing we’re out of peach: Orange is way better. Try the orange.

Customer: Orange? Really? It’s good?

Me: It’s the best. Trust me.

Customer: Okay then. But just a small, please.

Me: No way, you’ll taste it and then kick yourself for not ordering a large.

Customer: Yeah, you’re probably right. Okay, a large then.


Customer: I’d like a medium Italian roast.

Me: Sure, did you bring your own mug?

Her: Um no. Was I supposed to?

Me: You don’t have to, you just get a huge discount if you do.

Her: Okay. Next time I’ll bring my own mug.

Me: That’s okay. We’re selling our travel mugs for 50% off. I’ll just sell you one of these and then you can use that for now on. Plus you get your coffee for free today.

Customer: That would be great, thank you!

*Next three customers in line also thank me for selling them travel mugs.


Me, noticing a customer looking at the travel mugs: What a great deal, huh?

Customer: Yeah, I think I’ll get one.

Me: One? You should buy, like, twelve to get some of your Christmas shopping out of the way early. Honestly, wouldn’t it feel great to be so ahead of the game?

Her: You’re right! That would be a lot of stress off my shoulders during the holiday season. I’ll get one for each of my coworkers.

She buys six mugs. Came back an hour later and bought six more.


In addition to the above conversations:

When we ran out of small iced drink cups, I simply held up the medium and the large and said, “What size?” No one asked if I had anything smaller.

I sold an iced coffee as an iced latte to a super bitchy customer. She didn’t know the difference.

I told an obvious manager type who was buying a cookie that he should show some love and buy his whole team cookies so they wouldn’t be jealous of his. He agreed and bought eight more cookies.

I up-sized about a dozen lattes simply by asking Are you sure you don’t need a larger size? You look tired.


And finally, and I realize this has nothing to do with liquidating inventory but I could not stop myself from having this little conversation:

Customer: Can you break a hundred for this coffee?

Me: Sure, no problem.

I take the hundred and give him his change.

Customer, stuffing the money in his wallet: It’s kind of awkward paying for a small coffee with a hundred dollar bill.

Me: It’s only awkward if you don’t tip.

We stare at each other for a few seconds.

Customer: You’re right. That would be awkward.

He takes some money from his wallet and puts it in the tip cup.


6 Comments leave one →
  1. June 21, 2013 5:27 pm

    Good woman.

    • June 22, 2013 1:07 pm

      Now I have a back up plan: car salesman! I can picture it now….

      “You totally need rust proofing on the undercarriage and a titanium coating on the body. Screw the studies! You’re smarter than those stupid reporters…”

  2. juliabarrett permalink
    June 21, 2013 6:14 pm

    P.T. Barnum didn’t really say this but it’s an appropriate quote – “There’s a sucker born every minute.”

    • June 22, 2013 1:08 pm

      I was just amazed how many people just did what I told them to. Small? No, that’s not enough. You want medium. I do? Okay.

  3. June 25, 2013 3:30 am

    You’re scaring me. But it’s funny too.

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