Fake Explanations For Real 1800’s Sexual Slang
Yeah, I know I’ve been gone a while. I’ve honestly had nothing cool, fun, funny, entertaining, interesting or sexually charged to write about. It’s been a boring, difficult summer, and as my mom always said, “If you can’t say something nice…” Or was that Bambi’s mom?
Anyway, today I did come across something kind of cool. An article that educates us about old-school euphemisms for sex. How old school? Try the 1800’s, bitches! Below are the euphemisms they listed. If you want the actual explanation behind each expression, please visit Mental Flosses’ original article. If you want a completely, ridiculously falsified explanation, read mine. I made them up so you know they’re better. Or they’re worse. Either way, they can’t possibly be on par. Man, I’m tired.
1. Amorous congress
This saying comes from the fact that after every congressional hearing, all parties were not allowed to leave the room until they had set they’re differences aside, or, kissed and made up.
When women in the 1800’s were sent to prison, they were forced to spend sixteen hours per day weaving baskets. This work was tedious, depressing and often lopsided. To even out the pathetically woven creations while at the same time adding some levity to the task at hand, prisoners would use their bare asses as a mold. Of course, with so many luscious bottoms hanging out, this often led to many a old timey lesbian orgy to celebrate day’s end.
3. Bread and butter
Partly from disgust but mostly from jealousy, when women on the outside learned that their baskets were perfectly shaped from the asses of lesbian prisoners, they boycotted said vessels. Unfortunately they no longer had any thing to carry their bread in and this led to an simultaneous abundance of household butter and lack shit to slather it on. Being the resourceful sort, one thing led to another and, well, hence this tasty euphemism.
Women in the1800’s did not shave their downstairs. ‘Nuff said.
Due to a lack of instructional videos, grade school level sex ed and informative rap lyrics, virginal newlywed husbands were pretty terrible at oral sex. Fortunately their butlers were on hand to share the “clicket method”, which involves pressing one’s tongue against the clitoris while trying to say this word.
It is reasonable for you to assume that this is the 1800’s version of the modern slang sucking face. Of course, you would be wrong, stupid. This is the 1800’s version of the modern slang O-face.
7. Blanket hornpipe
This one’s a little obscure but I’ll try to connect the dots. See, the hornpipe is a man’s erect penis, or his cock, if you will. His hard cock is under a blanket and is likely to be inserted between a willing woman’s legs. Hence Blanket Hornpipe. Man, people sure were into verbal subterfuge in those days.
8. Blow the grounsils
Did you know Gremlins was a remake? Well it was. In the 1800’s version of the film, Gremlins were actually called Grounsils, and they grew three times their size when the were caught in a stiff (stiff, hah!) breeze or some stupid woman blew on them for luck. And not only would they get big and mean, those little bastards would spit at you.
9. Convivial society
So ask anyone from the 1800’s and they will tell you that the only people who were truly convivial were those privileged enough to slurp champagne from the belly buttons of imported ladyboys. Yup, you hadn’t just hadn’t made it in life until you could boast waking up in daze, your face between the smooth golden legs of champagne soaked Thai person.
10. Take a flyer
Party goers would utilize scarlet coloured flyers as a super-twisted, grown up version of a dance card. Interesting side note: scarlet flyers were actually the origin of 1970’s era “key” parties.
11. Green gown
Yeah, I’m going to take a pass on this one. The actual explanation for this is that women rolling around on the grass and staining their dresses. Awesome.
12. Lobster kettle
To understand lobster kettle, you have to first get two things. The first is number three on this list, Bread & Butter. The second is the concept of warm utter melting into every crevice it slips through.
13. Melting moments
See number twelve. They were really hung up on this butter thing. Can you blame them? Astroglide, one of the first personal lubricants, wasn’t invented until the 1970’s.
14. Pully hawly
Obviously a euphemism for a hand job on a very well-endowed man.
15. St. George
Despite the implied holiness of his name, this perv got more tail than a modern day Jason Statham. If a man was a player or, at the very least, highly desirable to women, he was known as St. George.
16. A stitch
A stitch was the 1800’s terminology for a quickie. A stitch in time – a quickie in a hurry.
A tiff was the name given to what was promised to be luxurious, languishing, lazy Sunday afternoon kind of sex but ended up being just a stitch.