Why I Need to Live Vicariously Through My Friends
I thought I had an interesting job. Then I met one of my good friends for a midday glass of wine.
“Not that I’m complaining but why are we meeting so early?” I asked.
“I have a new job. It’s night shift.”
“Night shift? You know drug dealing is not a real job, no matter how real the income, right?”
“I’m not dealing drugs, I’m guarding them.”
“You’re what now?”
“I’m a security guard. I guard medical marijuana.”
“Awesome! Do you get a gun?”
“A billy club?”
“No, no weapon.”
“What the fuck do you guard the marijuana with? A bag of Doritos? Do you coax the stoned criminals away by scattering corn chips out the gate and down the street?”
“Doritos could work, now that you mention it.”
“At least tell me you get a heavy flashlight. After you distract them with your lunch you club them over the head, right?”
“No, my flashlight is pretty small.”
“You know, a lot of security guards would be ashamed to admit that. I’m proud of you.”
“Proud enough to buy me a bag of Doritos?”
“Yeah, why not.”
I met one of my friends for drinks the other night. She just got off shift and she was exhausted.
“What did you do at work today?” I asked.
“I had to pillow fight kids for six hours.”
“You did what now?”
“Yeah, as part of this event, the organizers had all of these stations set up to distract the children of the attendees. If the kids get bored with one station, they can move on to another. My station was pillow fighting.”
“That sounds horrible.”
“Only if you hate kids.”
“Do you hate kids?”
I disliked kids before today. After today, yes, I hate them.”
I had lunch with one of my friends this afternoon.
“Anything interesting happen at the office this morning?” I asked.
“I spent a lot of time trying to make a cat video that has the potential to go viral.”
“I see. Can I view it online yet?”
“Not really. My cat was being a bitch. I don’t think she likes being dragged out of the house to spend the day at my work.”
“Not everyone is cut out for the office life, I guess.”
“Hey, your cat’s pretty stoned and crazy, right? Can I borrow her for a video?”
“Sorry, she get’s pissed off when she has to watch me work from my home office.”
Yup, up until this week, I was under the impression that my life was kind of interesting. At least I can live vicariously through my friends.